tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831338733262807762024-02-19T16:55:03.348-08:00Finding Comfort with Uncertainty"If I am asked to explain why I learned the bicycle I should say I did
it as an act of grace, if not of actual religion."
~Frances E. Willard"Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-67344970628407045992015-05-20T09:41:00.002-07:002015-05-20T09:42:50.263-07:00Squash and ShameAs an athlete having RA doesn't jive so well. I have experienced pain before but it's all been self induced. I've pushed pushed myself up 14,000 foot peaks with my bike strapped on my bike, and not stopped for 24 hours; I've ridden my bike with no more than an hour of sleep per night for 5 days, I've gotten lost and bushwacked 3 hours by myself to find my way out down some steep and overgrown ravine. I can endure not only pain but uncertainty. I'm still realizing that perhaps I did not come here to "heal" my RA but to heal me.<br />
<br />
Although it's my second official day on solid food, the realizations keep flowing. Yesterday I had steamed zuchinni and today it's steamed squash. I know, the same thing right? Well technically it's winter squash and I'm grateful for the variation. They said when I start eating again I will have some flare ups, hopefully only minor, and then as I heal my gut, they will go away.....eventually! I am healing my reaction and emotional relationship with RA. Knowing what I knew then and knowing what I know now has helped me not only understand this disease process, but not be so scared of it. Instead of reacting, crying, getting angry, becoming irritated with a stranger, or praying for it to go away forever, I am sitting or learning to sit. Again this isn't me, this RA, it's just something I have.<br />
<br />
Back to the bike and my point of all that, besides tooting my own horn. The point is I am so happy I ran myself into the ground on my bike because who knows if I'll do it again, who knows if I want to. It seems like a had a really short go of it, luckier though than some. My friend James Lindenblatt had an even shorter go here on earth and he did a lot. I am grateful for my life here and now. I have been ashamed of having RA because I relate it to being weak. Having a "crippling" illness is not me and giving in to this is surrendering to RA and I have not wanted to do that. I am learning that by surrendering I gain power. I can have this in my life without becoming it. As soon as I attach so much emotion and reaction and let negative opinions affect me, I have not surrendered, I have drowned.<br />
<br />
Please understand that when I say negative opinions, I mean anything that is fear based. the "well you can't do that" or "you have to take meds else your joints will be destroyed". I need to be positive, that is my medicine and please respect that. I know you mean well, but when I'm hit with these "can't" and "shouldn't" statements I have to work extra hard to not let them turn my stomach to mush and that hurts me. Please know I am a smart well read woman and I know what I'm doing and I will do the best I can.<br />
<br />
Although I surrender I am still strong and inspired and if I can describe my journey I feel the following verse from Dylan Thomas' poem "Do not go gentle....." describes my thoughts the best:<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Do not go gentle into that good night,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> Old age should burn and rave at close of day;<br /> Rage, rage against the dying of the light</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
I am not losing I am just following a path I had NO idea existed for me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-88857821091112900282015-05-18T19:10:00.001-07:002015-05-18T19:10:27.822-07:00Breaking Fast; It's Not About the FoodI'm going to try and post a ridiculous video documenting my first juice ingestion. It's a bit dramatic. I feel pretty self absorbed during all of this, the eating, or in my case the not eating and such. I just read a profound statement that reminded me not to attach myself to any of this; not the illness, the pain, the fasting, the healing, the whatever. I'm not any of this, I'm just me. I have been self absorbed over the past few months and some of my relationships have paid the price. The fact is although being in pain daily is hard, it's not all I have. I am so rich with friends and family and a great husband who loves me unconditionally. I have three therapy dogs who at times drive me up a wall, but at the end of the day make me a better person. I'm reading this book by Ann Lamott and she says "Having a good dog is the closest some of us will ever come to knowing the direct love of a mother." I am lucky enough to be a mother of three and although they are not "good" all the time, they are never not happy to see me.<br />
<br />
My next book to read is Anatomy of the Spirit. Caroline Myss talks about why so many of us identify with their trauma or their dis-ease, as if it identifies who they are. I have been definitely mulling this one over even before I read the book description. My work is to find away to have pain but not let it have me. Eating feeds the body, fasting feeds the soul.<br />
<br />
Ingrid struck my heart strings yesterday reminding me that we don't need to be fixed, we need to be loved. When you imply that someone needs fixing you're saying they're broken. Nobody wants to feel broken. I am guilty of wanting to fix people including myself. If I've ever made you feel that way I am truly sorry and I promise to no longer do that.<br />
<br />
Back to some self absorption time. Today I broke my fast with cucumber juice, 4 glasses, one at 8:30, 12, 3 and 5. Just as I was finishing one they would bring me another. Key to re-feeding is to go SLOW and sip. Stomach not so great today but during fasting all things get wacky including our female cycles; at least it's not a UTI, as I initially thought.<br />
<br />
During this whole fast I've been absolutely obsessed with food. I spend a lot of time looking at food, talking about food, talking about things I can make and how with my food limitations I can create these masterpieces of deliciousness. My roommate Kat and I call it food porn. I am obsessed, I LOVE food. I simply cannot wait to go home and start making food. Everything I make for the next<br />
month will be only cooked vegetables but I am ready. I think of how I can cook them: steamed, roasted, baked, dehydrated, mashed, pureed, made into a burger type dish, a casserole, a stir fry without rice. It is remarkable to go without food for so long, the appreciation I have is tremendous. And when I think of those who are starving not by choice I am truly empathetic. I hope this little fast makes me a more generous and caring person.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-84226810652968072252015-05-18T05:56:00.003-07:002015-05-18T05:56:28.664-07:00Day 10; Horizontal TimeIt's 5:30 a.m., the morning of my breaking fast day. Yesterday was the tenth day of water. I will get cucumber juice sometime around 9:00. I wake up stupid early and go to bed much later than at home, just so I don't wake up even earlier than stupid. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I had a wonderful visit from a dear "old" friend, Ingrid, yesterday who lives nearby. Prior to yesterday we hadn't seen eachother in 5 years nor spoken. Ingrid is one of those friends that you can literally pick up where you left off with. We sat and talked from the minute she arrived to the minute she left, 3 hours later. She is such a dear sister and having her visit was a true gift for many reasons. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yesterday was exhausting. I spent a lot of time in the horizontal position, my new favorite pose! My legs are getting weaker, and walking downstairs is a task in itself. I feel like these are all very normal expectations of a faster. Soon to pass as I begin my caloric reintroduction today. Last night I once again hit the bed exhausted only to find myself wide awake with brain activity. It really has its' similarities to my experience racing the Colorado Trail. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My brain is struggling finding words. Again a normal thing, my fasting cohorts have the same problem. Writing this blog feels boring right now. I moved rooms though, I have a great pod with quiet people who mostly don't come out of their rooms. I refer to us as the skinnies because there are two men that don't get out of bed much in order to conserve energy and not burn muscle and then Kat and I. A lot of people here aren't that thin, hence there retreat to health I think. I have befriended a fellow Kat and she is my new roomate. Having eachother makes a huge difference and we both feel we don't need to leave the unit since the other is here!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I decided not to put up with intrusive and toxic roomate anymore, Kat helped me seal the deal and I am so grateful I followed her advice. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am not feeling so great right now so I am going to go. </div>
<div>
Stats: 135.8, VS normal, mostly pain free (in comparison) but morning stiffness in left index finger and soreness/swelling in tops in bottoms of feet. </div>
<div>
Lots of stomach gurgling (detoxing)</div>
<div>
Waves of nausea this morning. arghhh, just in time for juicing.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-44856088835180231602015-05-17T09:37:00.000-07:002015-05-17T09:37:39.153-07:00Day 9: FearCourage is what lies on the other side of fear. We earn the honor if we walk through what we fear. I'm finding that the hardest thing about this walk through is what my brain has wrongfully told me it was all about. One of my favorite quotes that I read to my patients is off of a Yogi's FB page, "If you want something you've never had, you'll have to do something you've never done." Fear shows itself in different shapes and sizes. There is fear of losing, even fear of winning, fear of failure and success, fear of relationships, commitment, getting hurt, getting sick, fear of pain, fear of being seen or not seen, fear of others and fear of yourself. This is a short list. Fear is when you talk yourself out of doing something (this can be a good thing, say in cases of survival).<br />
<br />
Although I think we all deal with fear on a daily basis, I think there have been only a few times in my life that I have been truly afraid, like afraid for my life afraid. I want to write about this since it's coming up for me here and writing is about truth in hopes that I may be able to help someone else. I met someone once that wasn't a good person. I am a trusting person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I trusted him and he took advantage of that to cause me harm. I was travelling in Senegal at the time and I was alone. I didn't make great choices leading up to the event and yet I accept no fault. I was in a locked room with him as he threatened me, hit my face, my left cheek to be specific, and called me horrible names. Needless to say fear overcame me AND saved me. My survival instincts kicked in and without too many details (I'll be saving those for my memoirs) I found a way out. Prior to escaping I said out loud <i>Please God Help Me!</i> He told me I had no God. It wasn't until I called God into the room that things shifted. Maybe it was timing, a mere coincidence, I don't care, I found safety.<br />
<br />
Following my escape (I love the dramatics of that word!), I found many angels, or they found me. It was one after the other and the details would exceed the purpose of this blog. The point is I walked through the scariest experience of my life and came out of it, however not unscathed. It changed my life in many ways, and all the ways are good because life isn't perfect. I embrace it all because I know in my heart it leads me to where I need to go and where I'm meant to go. This RA has led me here to True North, to do a water fast for my painful and swollen joints, yet as I suspected the healing is just beginning and it's been more of a spiritual journey.<br />
<br />
Writing about what comes up for me here helps me release all the layers of emotional toxins I've been storing. As I let all these toxins out, I heal. When my friend hit me, my stomach turned to mush, it burned and ached. Looking back now I see the connection. RA and Leaky Gut Syndrome are linked (I'll be doing a test after I'm home). It's a long story so Google it if you're interested and read what Dr. Klaper writes and has researched. We store our emotions in our body, our tissues, muscles, intestines and other organs. I have had anxiety, some depression on and off, and low self confidence for a lot of my adult life. I attribute all these things to unresolved trauma. And trauma does not have to mean getting hit, or stabbed or shot, it can mean whatever trauma means to you as an individual.<br />
<br />
One more day of fasting and I feel excited and emotional. Food has been the culprit to inflammation and pain in my life as of late. It is hard to think the pain may come back, it is exhausting. I have fear around this. Please tell me how to walk through that fear. How do I embrace THIS pain? I have a lot to learn and this is just the beginning of my journey.<br />
<br />
<u>Facts</u><br />
weight 136.6<br />
Vital signs, specifically pulse "beautiful" (she said I could keep fasting based on my pulse, i said no chance)<br />
Orthostatic Hypotension persists, totally normal because I'm not eating<br />
Horizontal time is the best time, promotes healing, if only it didn't cause restlessness<br />
AND.....STILL HUNGRY<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-55369086025988180872015-05-16T11:35:00.003-07:002015-05-16T11:35:56.771-07:00Day 8; HangryThe definition of hangry is when hungriness causes anger, or so we believe. I'll be submitting it to Webster's next year. There is a buzzing in my body that is difficult to explain but I'll try. Luckily this buzzing experience is more prominent at nighttime as my body gets ready for its' usual bedtime. I feel like I know what a patient of mine felt when she couldn't sleep, she would pace, walk in place, and feel like she was going mad. Did I mention I was a psychiatric nurse? I can only understand this buzzing to be my body's reaction to the fast on a much more visceral level maybe even spiritual.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After a difficult day of sitting around in the sun, lying in bed, going to a cooking demo (I know I'm a masochist) and doing some gentle yoga, I found myself hangry. I took it out on my husband, of course! I have a rather intrusive roommate that does not respect boundaries. I have boundary issues, letting people give me too much of their baggage. It's a good lesson and experiment for me. As a psychiatric RN I normally have to endure this sort of behavior to a point. As a faster I don't. I've been able to draw the lines here because I have no other choice. If I use one ounce of energy elsewhere I think I literally will collapse. I'm sitting with the stuff that comes out for me here. I don't have to work anything out with her or have a talk, I can just ignore her and not engage and it's ok. Life is a bit more simple when you're starving.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Back to my hanger or what I'm cowardly calling this feeling. I feel like I want to rip my hair out, beat the crap out of my muscles or have someone do it for me, and do a thousand jumping jacks all at once. Instead I did yoga last night, my back pain disappeared, just like that. I didn't do gentle yoga per say. I stretched to a new level with greater flexibility and calmness. I touched my tongue to my nose and then tried to swallow it. I went outside and did laps around the 100 meter courtyard. I did Qigong in front of the shallow fountain. I swung my arms up and down and shook them out. I came back to my room, read and went to sleep. Prior to falling asleep I said a prayer that went like this: Please God help me sleep, please God help me sleep, please God help me sleep. Miraculously I fell asleep around midnight and woke up at 4:30!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm sitting with the emotions that are coming up and realizing that fasting involves way more than food or no food. Fasting is deep, and there are layers upon layers to detox from your digestive tract to your heart to your brain. Keep in mind I'm coming off an antidepressant which is poison, no offense, remembering that I'm a psych nurse (read Anatomy of an Epidemic). The fact that my brain is literally buzzing, I mean I sometimes have a buzzing sound and visual affect, tells me this Lexapro isn't such a good deal. I'm thankful to be making the change. My clean and healthy new diet will ensure a happy and healthy brain and knowing that is helping me get through this.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
On Monday I break my fast. The re-feed for autoimmune illnesses is a tedious journey. When I say journey I mean 6 months to a year. My re-feed goes something like this: </div>
<div>
Day 1: peeled cucumber juice x 4</div>
<div>
Day 2: day 1 plus ONE steamed veg of my choice on the "safe" list</div>
<div>
Day 3: day 1 and day 2 (as long as I had no reaction) plus another steamed veg</div>
<div>
Day 4: day 1,2,3 plus another veg, again as long as no reaction.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Are you getting the picture? If I have a reaction I eliminate that food and go back to my safe list which by day two may only be cucumbers if day two's veg flares me up. I can gradually introduce my second food group of raw vegetables and continue as above. Beans come after, then nuts and seeds, followed by fruits. They recommend holding off on fruits for 2 months since RA patients react to fruits, probably the sugar. In 4 months I can add some grains, rice, steel cut oats, Quinoa. Some choose not to add grains.....flare ups! Eventually after my gut heals I can try to reintroduce food again if I initially had a reaction to them. I have lots of foods to avoid, like the nightshade family, until all symptoms clear completely without recurrence. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
At this point any food sounds fabulous so I CANNOT wait for cucumber juice and steamed zucchini. I will heal, I am confident of that. My roommate with RA is not doing too well, she is in a lot of pain. Most likely this is because of all the medications she has tried prior to coming. All that junk lives in your body, in your tissues. True, I do not want to ruin my joints but I know medicine for RA is not the answer. One of the most successful medications for treating RA, I cannot take because I had Melanoma and it can cause melanoma. I consider this a blessing in disguise. Why would I want to take a medication, regardless if I had melanoma or not, that causes cancer? If I had the energy I would elaborate on the medication, diet, etc. I don't have the steam to defend this at the moment, go to Dr. Klaper.com if interested. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here is what I know. In my heart lies truth and health and grace. Have I mastered these yet? Have any of us? It may take a lifetime to do so and if that is my path, I will follow. I have been hiding from faith, from God from my friends who don't believe in God. I have not been walking my true path out of shame, embarrassment, wanting to fit it. I love all my friends, agnostic, atheist, Christian and Buddhist alike. I do not judge your faith or path. Why have I been assuming you would judge mine? I am still me, just getting to know another part of me and I kind of like her. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-23453248314168029022015-05-15T08:53:00.003-07:002015-05-15T08:54:55.688-07:00Day 7; Water, water and more waterYou're taught to chew your water here. Hunger and cravings are so strong that chewing your water should help. I'm not sold on this. However, I will try to do everything recommended to me. Water tastes like sugar. When I drink it it seems to collect in my gums and release a sugary saliva response. I brush my entire mouth to rid the taste out. They only want you drinking 50-60 ounces of water per day which makes sense. Water intoxication is a serious condition that is caused by too much water and not enough sodium. Hyponatremia then kicks in which means sodium deficiency and problems can arise from there. Of course as a well educated practicing RN I know all this. As a faster I am going through something I've never gone through before and while walking this line I am able to understand my body on a much deeper level. I am watching great videos and going to lectures by Dr. Klaper. He is an extremely intelligent MD who has practiced emergency, orthopedics, obstetrics, anasthesia and more medicine and has a great love and facination for the human body. His understanding of digestion and the way he teaches it are ingenius. Homosapiens are really designed to eat a plant based diet. Granted not everyone will do this, so just eat less meat, don't make it the center of your plate, make it a condiment. Your body will thank you.<br />
<br />
I'm down to 137 today. I'm not to worry because as soon as I start eating the weight will come back on. You loose a lot of weight in the first week because when you're not taking in salt and your body drops water. Hence, most of the weight is water weight. Only drinking water allows all your organs to REST. Especially with disease process your body can't get ahead because so much energy is consumed on digestion alone. Fasting allows your body to heal and gives your poor organs a break. The longer you fast the more toxins get released and the deeper you heal, sometimes and hopefully as deep as the soul.<br />
<br />
Toxins are surrounded by fat and stored in our body. Toxins are anything from dairy, meat, fish, animal products, NSAIDS, drugs, caffeine, excess alcohol, sugar and salt. Anywher between day 3 and 5 your body kicks into ketosis, the fat burning stage of the fast. On the first days your body is going on glucose stores. During ketosis the fat releases and so do the toxins. As toxins release you will feel them. I feel them in my lower back and hips. The toxins go to the bloodstream which passes through the muscles and tendons and the larger the muscle the more blood flow and sometimes the more aches. Drink more water to help flush it all out.<br />
<br />
I am exhausted, lightheaded when I go from sitting to standing and I just want to be horizontal. I feel like I can fall into a deep sleep for hours. Instead I close my eyes and my brain buzzes. It's inferiorating and humbling. Because it brings up feelings of irritation and impatience I feel I should be grateful and I'm working on that. I actually have time to work things out here and so I'm doing my best to take advantage of that. Finding the emotion and finding where in my body it settles and going from there.<br />
<br />
Last night I woke up with such an irritated antsy feeling in my left side. I got up to pee at 1:00 a.m. and couldn't stay in bed after. I went outside and looked at the dark sky, no stars, no moon, no Colorado. I miss home and I love where I live and feel so grateful for my life. I am learning deep appreciation for my life, my husband, dogs, job, yoga studio, family and friends. I am overwhelmed by my support system. I hope I can reciprocate all that I have been given and not lead a selfish life.<br />
<br />
My left sided irritation went away when I realized I shouldn't run from it, change it or fix it. I sat with it and things from the past came up. I fell back to sleep eventually not knowing if I found any answers. I guess I don't need answers. I have been sitting in the moment more. What choice do I have? I contemplate why I am always planning, thinking ahead or behind. I am gaining the understanding of the here and now. This is it, this moment matters the most. Why are we always running for the future? Just be.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-34331058286296349242015-05-13T20:56:00.005-07:002015-05-13T20:56:50.883-07:00Day 6; Skinny is OverratedI dropped below 140 in weight today. I don't think I've weighed this little since High School. As many teenage girls think, I probably thought I was overweight then. I am the first to admit that I've had body image issues most of my life, until now. I want to reach my beautiful sisters of the world and hope you hear me. I miss my curves! I don't think I wear 139 well, physically nor emotionally. At one point not long ago I was excited about getting skinny, knowing I wouldn't stay this way but just to see, catch a glimpse of a long ago me. I can honestly say with much gratitude that I'm just not that into it; skinny is overrated. I look bony and frail. Having my tight jeans fit loosely doesn't mean what I thought it would mean a month or even a week ago. This fast is healing me from the inside out. Sisters, if you want to be thin to be healthy then go for it! If you want to be thin because fake models (who by the way are teenagers who haven't developed yet and smoke cigarettes and drink diet coke so they don't have to eat) inspire you, think again. We must love our bodies and ourselves, they are our gifts, we must honor them and be gracious. Fixating on weight and looks will only draw you deeper into this Pleasure Trap (the model that True North is based on) and if you continue in this cycle your struggles will only deepen. Go within, I beg you. Do not ignore what lies at the center of your soul, it's telling you the truth. <br />
<br />
Now that was heavy. I'm all wise now that I've water fasted for 6 days and I think I know it all. I won't start preaching that everyone should water fast to solve all their problems don't worry, although I don't think it's the worst idea. I just know I've let comments hurt me in the past especially as a mountain bike racer. I race against a lot of petite fit girls who easily weight 20-40 pounds less than me. I've had people refer to me as bigger and say things like "if you lose 5 pounds you'll probably be faster on your bike". It's hurtful when someone tells you something about YOUR body in reference to changing it. It's MY body and I can do with it what I want. I also find that competitive athletes fixate on weight so I just happen to be in the crowd where I am more susceptible to that sort of commentary. <br />
We live in a tough society, one that vomits skinny, pretty and young all over us. People are payed BIG bucks on marketing for companies that sell skinny, do not fall into the trap!<br />
<br />
Ok, I guess I had something to say about that! Moving on to a totally different subject will go along with my racing thoughts theme for today. Have you ever looked at your tongue? Now I mean really looked at it? It's truly a fascinating little thing. As I was dry brushing my teeth, mouth, tongue, gums and whatever else I could find in there I noticed how spectacular the tongue is. I checked out every inch of it, mostly underneath. It is colorful under there. My veins pop out, there are interesting nodular things and it's movements are extraordinary. Not only all that but what the tongue does and is responsible for is mind blowing. There are what seems like thousands (this is not a scientific fact) of taste buds and receptors on that sucker. Hunger, according to an intern here, does not come from the stomach but rather the tongue. I told him I would let my stomach know. All our food addictions start in the tongue. Should we cut it off?<br />
<br />
Today was a rough day and I'm feeling much better. My back still hurts, I'm tired but can't sleep and I'm lightheaded and occasionally dizzy. My head spins at times. Coming of the Lexapro causes a slight vertigo effect, it feels like my brain gets zapped every now and again if I move my eyes just the right way. Getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom is a feet in itself. I did chair yoga class because I didn't have the energy for the oh-so-intense gentle mat Yin yoga. Ha! Chair yoga had its challenges but I made it through without passing out.<br />
<br />
I embrace every moment of this even though I sound like a complainer. I will finish the fast, break the fast, eat again and look back with little remembrance of how it was like to feel this hungry. I look at recipes a lot on great Vegan sights and CANNOT wait to try them out. I pray to have this desire when I go home to the eating world. Hunger I think really is like pain, you forget how bad it is when you finish. Just as I've done so many times before with races that I said I'd never do again, I'm sure I will do with this fast. I'll probably be planning my next one before the plane touches Durango and think, <i>next time I'll do 20 days!</i><br />
<br />
Yours Hungrily,<br />
<br />
Cat<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-84120534487447870542015-05-12T17:58:00.001-07:002015-05-12T17:58:07.168-07:00Day 4 and 5 Water FastingYesterday I woke up crying, for no particular reason. Today I cried because I thought the guy that I bought my Pellegrino from was rude. Emotional lability is a part of fasting. I am also coming off of a low dose antidepressant and that can have side effects all on its' own. I can't water fast and take meds, I could juice fast and do it but I wanted to water fast. Plus I have wanted to come off Lexapro for a while and tried unsuccessfully this past winter. I'm not crying a lot, just when I get a little tipped over as we say in the psychiatric nursing world. No better time to clear a drug from your system than when you're fasting!<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My weight is 141 and vital signs all normal. The interns (MD students) and D.O.'s check on you twice daily. These friendly faces visit inpatients once in the morning to take vitals, assess sleeping, symptoms of nausea, dizziness, pain, urination and irregular heart rate. They also do a urinalysis when you arrive and on Mondays. I got my blood drawn Monday, and my lab results are perfect. I have what they call, cardiac awareness. My heart beat is felt strongly in my gums, chest, Aorta, ears. It keeps me up at night, lovely! It's pretty normal when you're fasting. My back pain went from uncomfortable to bad yesterday, the massage helped but it came back today, just less intense. Back pain is caused a lot of times because of its proximity to so many organs. As my kidneys and liver release toxins, I feel it. I embrace it as it means I'm detoxing. However, one intern informed me that they want to look at all possible reasons and it may not just be the detox alone. Of course they want to make sure you don't have a injury, sprain, fracture, etc. I don't think I do. I'm feeling a bit better this afternoon and definitely not worse so I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Lots of time on my hands here at True North. I'm not really supposed to be doing much though, just resting, relaxing, meditating, praying, going to lectures, doing puzzles, talking with other patients, watching videos. It's really a time to chill. I was so looking forward to taking time off work to do this and after one or two days I started to get a little bored. I'm not sleeping great, some people don't while fasting. They don't worry too much as you don't have much to do and even though I'm not sleeping great, I get lots of down time otherwise, so my body is in fact resting.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I toss and turn at night before I'm able to sleep. I awake before the sun. It's a different tired feeling. It's hard to describe, I have brain energy, not body. My body feels energized on some levels and tired on others. I think it's because I have no food and coming from a place where food contributed to my fatigue, not having it gives me more energy. When I break my fast I will "refeed" slowly, starting with a vegetable juice and then something like steamed zucchini, and then gradually increasing from there. RA is a touchy illness, it doesn't respond well to a LOT of food. I'll be leaving with the list of safe foods. The reintroduction of food is a sensitive process, flare ups are probable, I'm praying for a miracle though! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My health is not just about eating. I am finding the benefits of having a daily meditation and prayer practice. Fasting is a time of self absorption. We talk about ourselves a lot, mainly our health. I'm learning valuable information from others, hearing their stories is uplifting and sometimes just a bummer. My path is my path though and no matter what someone else's experience is, mine will be different. It's interesting how many people come here not following the vegan SOS free diet and those that intend to return eating off "the plan". The most successful patients are the ones that eat cleanly and follow this program. They admit that one fast doesn't always do it and coming back a few times may be necessary. I can use this as my vacation for the next few years to get well if necessary. I am fasting 10 days and I have 41 years of who knows what in my system. There are tiers to fasting, to healing. I am optimistic and realistic and I still pray for complete healing and also pray for acceptance of what I am given. I do intend to get back on my bike like before and I think I may be a force to be reckoned with, however in a way different than you're thinking!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Still in hunger, </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Cat</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-38369126918406651802015-05-10T18:49:00.002-07:002015-05-10T18:49:52.496-07:00Day Three Water FastI pooped today. Sorry but this is my diary of my experience and I want to make sure I keep track of these significant details. Why is this worth mentioning? Typically during a fast you don't move your bowels. I consider myself lucky because more toxins are being excreted from my body. Other key areas to note include this theory I've heard that by day three the hunger goes away. I'm not so lucky in this department. I can't stop thinking about food! I have been indulging myself by looking up delicious recipes and talking again about food with people. I'm getting great ideas and cannot wait to cook! I was just speaking with a man who has been fasting for 26 days! He looks normal and says he's doing "great". I feel the harder the fast, the more you get out of it. Today's been a harder day for me.<br />
<br />
I woke up with terrible back pain. Back pain is common during fasting, for various reasons. Old injuries tend to creep up when you're fasting and I have had some minor back stuff over the years. It's one of my weaker spots and muscle tightness there has left me unable to walk. It could be because of the toxins moving through your intestines and connecting nerves close to your lower back that attributes as well. That wasn't a very sophisticated explanation but forgive me, I haven't eaten in 3 days. Lastly because you do more lying around than normal, the lack of mobility can affect some people. I did go on a walk today, it's impossible to stay on campus. I know my body well enough to know if I'm too weak to walk so I took a chance for mental health's sake.<br />
<br />
I slept restlessly last night and woke at some obscenely early hour and was unaable to fall back to sleep. I did not nap today like the last two days in hopes to sleep better tonight. I have decided to change my water up a bit and started drinking it warm. I am also drinking fizzy water tonight (totally allowed) to help settle some uncomfortable stomach irritation.<br />
<br />
It's amazing the food that looks so appetizing when you're fasting versus not fasting. Man have I been missing out on iceburg lettuce all these years. I am hoping that my new found cravings for pure health food lasts well beyond the breaking of this fast. <br />
<br />
Tomorrow I'll have my bloodwork drawn in the morning for the first time just to check that nothing is going awry during this fast. I'm getting a massage to help with this back pain. This is the life if I could only eat all the deliciousness around me. <br />
<br />
The pain in my hands is nearly gone. My feet are still tender and sore some. My BP was 105/70, HR 60 and weight down again to 145.6. <br />
<br />
I have no creative writing skills at the moment. Or maybe I never did and thought I did because my brain was fuzzier on food than off!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-9579578951385349182015-05-09T18:13:00.001-07:002015-05-09T18:17:23.804-07:00Day Two Water FastI'm more hungry today than I was yesterday. I am feeding this by talking about food, recipes, looking at cookbooks and hanging out with eaters. I had enough just a bit ago as I felt my body reach a more nauseating level of hunger; and so I walked away to retreat to my room. Talking and listening are getting a little harder. Hunger distracts me in waves. It reminds me of pain I would feel during my numerous Colorado Trail Races, it would come and go. Like pain hunger is not a comforting feeling and luckily it is not constant. <br />
<br />
The conversations here are stimulating, they revolve around food, hunger, and health. It's nice to be around like minded health concsious folks who are dedicated to getting well through lifestyle change mainly found in the diet. I feel lucky in the sense that if I didn't have RA I would not have been motivated to make this huge change. I am working on embracing this and for me that looks like embracing health and healing and change.<br />
<br />
I live in a little pod with 2 other women. I share a bathroom with one and the living space with all three. There is a kitchen with nothing in it, no cooking allowed in there. There is a coffee pot that sits on the counter, cruelly reminding me of my biggest weakness, essentially my heroine. It's there to make hot water in case cold or room temperature water get boring. My one roomate has RA as well, she is from Norway. She travelled here to fast for 14 -21 days because she has been on a slew of RA meds that haven't worked for her. She's optimistically giving this a try, she's a wonderful lady.<br />
<br />
The fasting rules are clear. There is no cooking in your kitchen. No showers or baths as your fainting risk goes from good to great. No leaving the premises because they don't want you fainting in public and cracking your face open. No use of any products while water fasting such as toothpaste, body creams, perfumes, scented shampooos/conditioners or soaps. The point of a fast is to get things out not put them back in. By refraining from all products your body can gain the optimal beneftis of the fast without any interruption.<br />
<br />
Not everyone fasts on water. Some do a juice fast and others just eat a no SOS (salt, oil, sugar) vegan diet while here. This is the diet I followed with several cheats before I came. Ironically I fell into the Paleo trap for quite some time prior to being a vegan. It's interesting to learn the benefirts of this diet and the detriments of a Paleo one. I always was weary of eating all that meat, turns out my instincts were right on. Mainly we get all the protein and fats we need from vegetables. Do the research and you'll understand. Which leads me to the word research. We have a plethora of educational DVDs to watch on diet, health, nutrition, psychology, you name it. We also have daily optional lectures. Today Dr. Lisle spoke, PhD in Psychology, very smart dude. He was able to answer my question on correlation is not causation and how research is manipulated to benefit many merchants. He talked today about DNA and genetic makeup and wiring; some hard to follow with this hunger distraction and other stuff resonated so well. Education is power and if I want to be successful with this diet I need the knowledge to help me succeed. This place feeds you knowledge.<br />
<br />
I would like to keep track of my daily physcial assessment so here it goes. In December of this year I was 165 lbs. Since eating the vegan and no salt, sugar, oil diet I dropped down to 155 lbs on average. Before leaving I was 152.5 on Wednesday on vegetables and fruits for 1.5 days. On Thursday I weighed 148.8 and today 147.5. I have not weighed in the 140s in forever and although my goal here is not weight loss it's kind of fun to see this body change. Weight loss is obviously inevetible with a water fast but when I go back to eating my goal is to maintain a healthly weight. My BP is 106/69, heart rate 50 and temperature 97.9 today. I'm a little hunger crampy but not nauseous. I get an occasional head rush upon standing and my brain is struggling to find creativity to write this blog. Oh I almost forgot to comment on the whole reason for me being here, my PAIN. Everyday my pain is less and less and my range of motion in my fingers increases. Earlier this week I could barely move my thumbs due to the pain and swelling. Today my thumbs are pain free and my hands don't throb. My feet are less swollen and easier to walk on without limping. <br />
<br />
I'm tired of writing now. More tomorrow!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-4386349050142277672015-05-08T17:18:00.001-07:002015-05-08T17:18:36.450-07:00Day One Water FastSo much has happened since my last post that I sort of wonder what the point of starting now is. Nevertheless here I am for a reason that has not quite revealed itself yet. Literally I am sitting on a lawn chair on a balcony outside my room in Santa Rosa, California at True North Health Center. It's a beautiful day with perfect temperatures. I sit overlooking the view of the courtyard below with the colorful rose garden and just beyond the soothing sound of water from the fountain. People are milling about, some slower than others. People fast anywhere from 10-40 days here. I know, I'm sure you're coming up with all sorts of reasons why this is wrong but just wait. Historically fasting has been around for a long time. I'm talking Jesus and Moses long time. Lots of skeptics think and have felt free to tell me that your brain needs food and can't live on water alone. No offense but no duh. I plan to eat again and so do the others. Fasting allows for great things, a time to heal, a time when your body, instead of using up to 80% energy to digest food, can use that energy to heal. What a fabulous concept right? Back to why I am here. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and my unwillingness to accept this is evident in the fact that every time I type the word my spell check asks if this is what I truly mean. I started having pain a year ago and here I am, I'll skip the other boring details of how and where and what. I developed a whole foods plant based diet or WFP<b>BD and based on </b>much research it works for many things. Rebooting my system with a water fast and slowly reintroducing foods are the doctors orders here. No drugs, no nothing, just water then fine tuning my diet Sounds easy right? If it wasn't for the delicious aromas coming from the vegan, no salt, sugar or oil kitchen I'd be golden except there are eaters here, I will be one in 10 days, and people get to eat after they fast. <div>
<br /><div>
Back to the fasters. They look different and I suspect I will turn into one here in few days. It's the long fasters I think that stand out. Their eyes are sunken in, they have a sort of dreamy far away look, they talk different. I adjust my ears wondering if that is an accent I hear. Instead I think it's the sound of a slow almost slurry speech that comes from a brain deprived of glucose. There is a very blissful presence in the fasters, they seem ok to be around food and eaters, they go to cooking classes and yoga and lectures. They are the ghosts of the future for me here at True North. A girl can only dream!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My first day on water alone and I can't wait for nightfall. I have time on my hands and it's interesting adjusting, slowing down. I'm not quite comfortable with all this relaxation and I have a sneaking suspicion this may be my achilles heal. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm excited for this journey because like any journey what you expect is usually not what you get. I love the unknown!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-17548712040669318342013-11-06T16:57:00.000-08:002013-11-06T16:57:06.056-08:00Stream of consciousness<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
LIMBO</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m neither here nor there</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
great nor terrible </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
staying nor going</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
crying nor
laughing </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
just waiting is all.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Waiting for this
bit of news that could change everything.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Has it already changed?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It feels powerless sometimes</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
someone will know before me. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The pathologist will know </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
He, she will have my results</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
after much examination and manipulation </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and whatever else they do </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
with my tissue, my nodes, my cells.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But they will know, they have my power. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
They will know before I do if it’s good news or bad news.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
They will result their results on paper, computer, on the
phone. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
They will put those results next to my name, my faceless
name. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I wonder what they’ll think.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Will they feel bad for me if the results are positive </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
or will they rejoice for me if it’s negative? </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
They’re going to know minutes maybe hours before me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I wait at home trying not to think about something that I
can’t help but think about.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s impossible.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m standing here
ready to turn the page </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
but I can’t</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
the story’s not written yet. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It could go two ways </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and both ways seem equally impossible and distant to me. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Maybe limbo’s better.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So here’s my story</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
here’s my next page.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This is so little,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
such a little part of what I, we, you are here to
do. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I accept my fate whatever fate gives me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have no power with how it turns out.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My power lies in how I react to what I'm given.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can live in fear
or I can live in light. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Light sounds
better,</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
that’s my next
page. </div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-53757116614511846262013-07-12T13:16:00.000-07:002013-07-12T13:20:27.216-07:00Bushwhacking Adventure with Cioppa.<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t help it, it’s in my blood. When faced with the decision to follow the
more predictable and straightforward path, I always take the one less known. I like to challenge myself, remind myself
that I only live once. I love exploring
places I've never been, especially in the back-country. Most of the time I find myself on a completely
different path than I bargained for, I guess that’s kind of the point. And most of the time I’m by myself, yesterday
I was not; maybe not the best time to go down the unknown trail no matter how
alluring it may have seemed. I couldn't
have asked for a better partner to go exploring with me though, Jenn Cioppa was
a true sport. I never even heard her
curse although she promises she was, just not within my earshot. I told a little lie prior to our “ride”: “How long is this ride?” she asked, I lied
and told her it was 4-5 hours. I knew
she wouldn't go if the time and distance were uncertain, details that don’t
mean much to me. I did however know, that
if she did go she would for sure have an adventure, and I wanted that for her. She’s one of those unassuming people that
totally kicks ass on her bike, all on platform pedals and tennis shoes.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2Z76PDCYSwgGF8PhfjzDJSp99aHKfvxYCHlNyOM0kj3mH3PispsTMqkTSHwOhlyXs0k0-F0YBt6-8Rcy44AaH96Gpgnf7C4pHllShsK0NQBlWex3hcUErFGeC8dNtn8cIjoCiaY4K1fs/s1600/IMG_0387_edited.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2Z76PDCYSwgGF8PhfjzDJSp99aHKfvxYCHlNyOM0kj3mH3PispsTMqkTSHwOhlyXs0k0-F0YBt6-8Rcy44AaH96Gpgnf7C4pHllShsK0NQBlWex3hcUErFGeC8dNtn8cIjoCiaY4K1fs/s640/IMG_0387_edited.JPG" width="478" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This trail is steeper than it looks.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I knew she was strong enough to do the "ride". </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW7RCPHL1s7ald_0T3Vb09wygKZS02_m56WqDrIOaNGOqj9z3LVQOiDE-GKNWL-dXlcPq5pd7yZtBvczU765Mo0jtZVf_hUQersl8O6OjpVGiMiPoY6Em0lOBLnYIQlwDAgC12fkYiHkg/s1600/IMG_0392_edited.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW7RCPHL1s7ald_0T3Vb09wygKZS02_m56WqDrIOaNGOqj9z3LVQOiDE-GKNWL-dXlcPq5pd7yZtBvczU765Mo0jtZVf_hUQersl8O6OjpVGiMiPoY6Em0lOBLnYIQlwDAgC12fkYiHkg/s640/IMG_0392_edited.JPG" width="476" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think we've died and gone to Little Elk!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I wasn't sure however, as we were literally bushwhacking down at least 2,000 feet of shrubbery, prickle bushes, downed trees, and loose dirt, if she wanted to kill me for leading her astray. I decided to ignore the current state of ridiculousness and encourage her that we were surely “getting somewhere”.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLXsutYE4WmkO6WGfQH_nWXUivr8qo9ouWmQvCxeV6chNjb_r6XwJUA0tf0RXb6LuhUQqzcksj1n_bNcJ5OGtCQ_QQXnBr_t41Mf04DVJX9FdtkA1gbVXSZ7zSd-Pb9SH6VpyROpcfdzs/s1600/IMG_0388_edited.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLXsutYE4WmkO6WGfQH_nWXUivr8qo9ouWmQvCxeV6chNjb_r6XwJUA0tf0RXb6LuhUQqzcksj1n_bNcJ5OGtCQ_QQXnBr_t41Mf04DVJX9FdtkA1gbVXSZ7zSd-Pb9SH6VpyROpcfdzs/s640/IMG_0388_edited.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although this picture doesn't do it justice, this is "somewhere".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The plan was Jones to Dutch to Little Elk to Hermosa. Pretty straight forward except for the minor detail that the Durango Latitude 40 Map likes to point out, specifically once you gain Little Elk: “CAUTION! Route finding may be difficult in this area”. This should really read: “CAT MORRISON! Do not attempt this trail!” Yet another detail that causes a paradoxical reaction in me: <i>I must see where this trail takes us. </i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMz7_sps0_hIeInL-OeWjS4ZS1tf6_nfjKwLZFOwaOGrVWkCHdWS7h3W9_PEu_fwu07D8q-TAN_mYxyjevC3uR4PSCuxroUxVaExLbWU0ER__uWIypahtNnVZb4ynfLy9_QmEBT6hGT94/s1600/IMG_0389_edited.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMz7_sps0_hIeInL-OeWjS4ZS1tf6_nfjKwLZFOwaOGrVWkCHdWS7h3W9_PEu_fwu07D8q-TAN_mYxyjevC3uR4PSCuxroUxVaExLbWU0ER__uWIypahtNnVZb4ynfLy9_QmEBT6hGT94/s640/IMG_0389_edited.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Straight down the side of a ravine into an unknown creek is exactly where the trail took US. Now looking back, we suspect where we may have gone wrong, and it was Jenn’s fault actually, not mine. That’s the thing about adventures though; you have to be ready for anything. I was confident that we were not lost but just didn't know where we were, with the exception of a momentary, 30 second, loss of reason, when I got a little concerned. Any somewhat experienced back-country explorer (that should be me) knows that when in doubt go downhill and/or follow the drainage out. Not knowing but guessing (wrong) what drainage we were in contributed to those 30 seconds of doubt. We somehow ended up on Dutch Creek Trail and quickly found a creek to douse our scrapes, sore legs, and hot heads in. It was the most refreshing creek I have ever experienced.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhktLnq1N7kJiqFGd8bGKTxIP30P-04L0UmNhkpxMAKqOYD1PXNgO904AfwyDjAIPFhSNJSZrEl3Wq1r_NcJn59ELbuW3INVPEeQzruyZWgtLxc9vF4Y_tJ2EKdl7-XNN-0N82cV7WNyL0/s1600/IMG_0394_edited.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhktLnq1N7kJiqFGd8bGKTxIP30P-04L0UmNhkpxMAKqOYD1PXNgO904AfwyDjAIPFhSNJSZrEl3Wq1r_NcJn59ELbuW3INVPEeQzruyZWgtLxc9vF4Y_tJ2EKdl7-XNN-0N82cV7WNyL0/s640/IMG_0394_edited.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy girls after finding the Dutch Creek!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Jenn commented on my “thick skin” as she noticed my legs were not nearly as bloodied as hers, not sure what that’s about. I had my share of scrapes however, more recognizable after my shower that left the bathtub full of very brown water. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUSb7KyH9UjBXV05Wyu09QJcuX_Lp1pehNLVx1-VESaz_iRZUILq3WY-hrDcxSis9-OOn1Im_XOFWn9ZMz4xInqd_2T8l-lQXmTAKIinH_DwRPr-l-d2iHNifumgOScjnNUIUj-sfB2yE/s1600/IMG_0393_edited.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUSb7KyH9UjBXV05Wyu09QJcuX_Lp1pehNLVx1-VESaz_iRZUILq3WY-hrDcxSis9-OOn1Im_XOFWn9ZMz4xInqd_2T8l-lQXmTAKIinH_DwRPr-l-d2iHNifumgOScjnNUIUj-sfB2yE/s640/IMG_0393_edited.JPG" width="478" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jenn, showing off her sexy legs.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The four hour ride turned into an almost 8 hour day, but I figured
we only rode for 5 of those hours, so I wasn't too far off! Thanks Jenn for being such a great
companion. Next time I’ll bring my
GPS. </div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-86669202191205148782012-08-19T15:44:00.001-07:002012-08-19T16:05:11.754-07:00You Define You: Uncovering More of the Beast, CTR 2012<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m always amazed at the people who can whip out their race
report only hours, or even days after finishing. The combination of my perpetual
procrastination and need to ponder life, are my excuses for not posting
sooner. Inspiration comes for me on the
bike and, after consuming large amounts of dark, yummy, organic, French press
coffee. Since I haven’t done much riding
this week and the caffeine buzz is short-lived, it’s a matter of catching that
small window of creativity when it comes.
From experience though, I know writing is cathartic and I am in need of
some serious emotional release. Here goes my best shot. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have such an easier time finding my way on the trail than
I do finding my way off the trail. The
only things I really think or concern myself with while doing the <a href="http://www.climbingdreams.net/ctr/">CTR</a> are time,
food, and weather. These are also the
only things I find myself talking about when I’m out there. Small talk on the CTR is rare maybe because
it wastes precious energy. It takes
everything you have just to move forward.
Interactions with others involve no pretense or formalities. Sometimes in fact you never even know each
other’s names, or you did but forget because you’re too worked to remember. There is little concern with the way you look,
smell, or dress. There is no time or
means to wash your hands before you eat, you just have to sometimes arrange
your activities in the proper order to limit contamination as best you
can. Time on the trail, I dare to say,
is easy, raw, pure, simple, all the things I cherish most in life. Life off the trail sometimes makes me feel like a captive monkey, longing for her home among the mountains, forests, and wildlife. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is something so
easy about solely focusing of moving forward, and more to say about moving with
your bike as if you were one. The first
day is the hardest. It takes time to
find my rhythm, focus and routine. I
know what I have to do and at times that overwhelms me on day one. Nonetheless, the routine of things starts to
flow a bit better by the second and third day.
The bike on the first day is kind of like a blister. It is hard to walk with your bike without it
causing discomfort and soreness, riding the bike feels relatively normal but by
the end of the first day my legs and lungs hurt. I noticed by the end of the week, hiking with
the bike was natural, easy, and light.
<a href="http://pocket-thunder.blogspot.com/">Kurt Sandiforth</a> spoke of this flow stating that the bike becomes like an
appendage. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being tired on the bike is very common but falling asleep on
my bike was something I had never experienced to the degree of what I
experienced this year. The first
couple of days I was fine with a little sleep deprivation but little did I know
how much it would play a role in my slow and arduous crawl to the finish. <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The start of the CTR was back to Waterton Canyon this year,
which begins up a long dirt road. I
missed the start by a few minutes, as well as the draft up the Canyon, leaving
me to endure the head winds without protection.
I tend to get wound up and caught up in the energy of all those people,
distracting me from my own race, so I wasn’t entirely disappointed in my lone
CTR commencement. This year my <a href="http://lwcoaching.com/">coach’s</a>
instructions to me were to “fly, flow, and find freedom and Zen on your
bike”. It’s rare to find someone that
speaks my hippy language, but <a href="http://2-epic.com/">LW</a> is a pretty rare one to say the least. I reminded myself of this often, and used
this as my mantra. I took my time this
first day knowing that the CTR is never won today but it can very easily be
lost. When I finally found my way to the
front of the female field, I found my flow, goal number one obtained. I wanted to go for it this year, do a
sub-five day CTR and break the female record.
I knew where I could and had to cut off time in order to do this. Doing 3 other CTRs offers perfect training
for a personal best performance. It
enables you to fine tune what I like to call this piece of art. I knew that if I didn’t stop in Bailey or
Leadville and carry everything I needed to get to Buena Vista, I could be there
before the grocery store closed and on my way to the next section, a huge
improvement and jump on my time from last year.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After going through Bailey without stopping, climbing up to
Kenosha then Georgia Pass, I braved the hail over West Ridge and by the time I
was climbing Gold Hill I was dry again.
I continued on through the night and literally fell into Copper at 4:30
a.m., just under 24 hours from the start.
I slept for 1.5 hours by the highway, getting a head start on my jaunt
over to Leadville. Making it to and
through Leadville ahead of schedule from last year and eliminating a stop
there, put me 2 hours faster into Buena Vista.
I had a half hour to grocery shop.
<a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/">Chris Miller</a> was coming out while I was going in and we smirked at the
reminiscent thought of last year’s experience in this same location but 8 hours
earlier. I was excited to stock up and
be on my way. Fifty dollars and 40 or so
minutes later and too much food to eat or know what to do with, I set out towards
Mt. Princeton Hot Springs. I knew all of
<a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/">Eszter’s</a> bivy stops from last year and used these as my daily goals to enable a
record breaking finish. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I arrived at my destination in the parking lot just below
the single track and above Mt. Princeton Hot Springs and made my way into
Eszter’s house. She had gotten there
somewhere around 2:00 am last year, I was there at 4:30 but figured if I slept less I could be out of there around
the same time. The floor was hard and I
didn’t have a sleeping pad but I dosed off quickly from exhaustion only to be
awoken in no time from the incoming cars.
I started to worry about getting out of the house before the Ranch
workers came in and when I heard someone walk across the porch I quickly
gathered my things in a panic. I exited
with my bike in hand and a mess of disorganized gear only to be met by the
faces of 5 guys leaning on a fence directly in front of me. I pretended, as I looked directly at them,
not to see them and tried to become invisible.
It worked and no one said a thing.
I spent the next several minutes organizing my gear so that I could get
started on the Chalk Creek section, figuring I would stop later down the trail
to change and take care of my morning chores.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This was my third day on the CTR and I road with Tim James from
South Africa for almost all of it. It
was nice to have the company and he is super strong and steady. When we arrived at Fooses Creek we decided to
take a long break and soak, eat, and regroup.
While sitting down by the creek we saw Chris Miller go by. I yelled out to him a couple of times but he
didn’t hear me. Perhaps as a result I
hurriedly started to gather my things and prepare to carry on. Tim asked if I
wanted to catch him. I really just
wanted to chat with him, seeing a friend out there is always a nice way to
boost the spirits and energy; Chris is super fun to hang out with too. I didn’t see Chris again until he was topping
out above us just before the traverse and then descent to Marshall Pass. I yelled out and waved but unsure if he knew
who I was. We got into some weather
shortly after this and Tim and I hunkered down in the cabin on Marshall Pass to
dry out, warm up, and make some soup. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Carrying on to the next segments toward Sargent’s Mesa,
Trail Angel Apple and the detour to Spring Creek Pass, always feels like I’m
entering into a great abyss of uncertainty and such anticipation usually
feels undesirable at this point in the
game. However, having Tim’s company and
running into Kurt Sandiforth, Fred Hankinson and Matt Schiff made the evening
feel a little less ominous. I still
wanted to see Chris, knowing we had similar finish goals, little did I know at
the time that Fooses Creek would be the last time until I finished. I decided to ride through the night after a
short one hour bivy. I was convinced I
had slept almost 3 hours and woke up in a panic. Evidently I was having issues figuring out my
watch and it wasn’t until after I set out and heard my alarm sound that I
realized precious time was not lost. To
ensure that I did not oversleep, I slept only in my emergency bivy. This guaranteed that I would wake up from
being so cold, I was spot on with this decision as my convulsing body would
rudely awaken me from here on out. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took me until 9:30 am to get to Trail Angel Apple. On my way up the last annoying section of
steep, loose, relentless switchbacks on Sargent’s Mesa, I’m greeted by a
familiar face, Zach Guy! He was out
riding today and chose one of the worst sections of trail hoping he may find a
few CTR riders. He was a sight for sore
eyes this painful morning and he helped lift my spirits. Zach was encouraging telling me I was on
track for a sub-five day finish and, despite my current state and thoughts of
wanting to die a quick and pain free death, I was hopeful I could pull it
off. Zach is a CTR friend, the last two
years our paths crossed many times during the race and because of this he is a
friend for life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trail Angel Apple’s camp was busy when I arrived. I planned out strategically what I had to do
in order to swiftly move on through, determined not to get held up and waste
precious time. <i>Empty your trash, lube chain, apply sunscreen, pee, chamois butter,
restock feed bag with food stored in saddle bag, get a soda or Gatorade and
some Cheetos, make two Tailwind bottles and go!
</i>Almost 45 minutes later I was leaving. Upon arrival there were three guys there,
talking, introducing themselves, taking pictures, telling stories. It took me until the end of the race to
figure out their story. I was way too
confused from sleep deprivation and three different people’s account of their
own personal journeys to make any sense of it.
I knew they were really nice and kind and encouraging and doing the CTR;
the rest didn’t matter, we were all moving in the same direction, different
speeds and velocities but one similar goal:
Finish the CTR! <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chad Parker, Dan Miller-Lionberg and I apologize for not
remembering the third, were the three guys.
Chad and Dan took off while their friend had to bail due to a broken
bike. Dan and Chad raced by me on
Segment 18, staying ahead of me the entire detour. Later Chad said he “made darn sure Dan and I
got a solid lead on you”. I felt that
most of the guys I ran into out there wanted to stay clear of me, way ahead of
me, out of my sight. My fragile spirit
started to take offense wondering if they didn’t want to get beat by the “slow
girl”; this was my thought process. I
really just enjoyed company and was starting to get frustrated that everyone
kept running away from me. I honestly
could have cared less if I beat them or they beat me, I’m a girl, racing the
girls and racing a record and clock, I didn’t care about the boys out
there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somewhere along the detour, after enduring near crashes from
frequent dozing offs while riding, I lost my Spot Tracker. I stopped several times on the side of the
road to take naps. I would just lie down
on top of my pack; helmet on, to rest my eyes until I felt I could carry on
only relapsing minutes later. While
dozing off riding this long, dirt, hot and fairly straight road, I would start
to dream. My thoughts were irrational; I
tried to ride while sleeping. <i>If I could figure out a way to sleep while
still moving forward I won’t lose any time.
</i> In my mind I would talk to
someone and ask them if they could take over and I even asked if they could
drive. I would quickly snap out of it and
remind myself I was doing the CTR and that I was all alone and on my own; a
painful reality at this time. After many
stubborn attempts to push through and refuse to sleep, the torture just became
too unbearable and I got off my bike, laid it down, and fell into an immediate
dream like state. Napping did not necessarily make me feel rested as much as it
would just allow me to move forward momentarily without completely falling
asleep, at least for a little while.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my delirium I started to yell out for help. <i>Matt! Matt!
Help me Matt! I’m falling asleep
and I can’t do this, I need help. Guys,
please help me! </i>My intent was to
conjure up some good vibes and spirits to lift me from this discouraging
state. A couple hours and many naps
later, I stopped to filter water and it was then that I noticed my Spot Tracker
was missing. I immediately went into
panic mode, waking me up and giving me a strange but welcome surge of energy. <i>Crap! Matt is going to freak out and think
something happened to me. Everyone is
going to wonder if I quit or stopped or got hurt. No one is going to be able to track me. What if I get disqualified? Is it mandatory to have a Spot? What if my progress is questioned? What if I break the record but it doesn’t count
because I have no proof? You should stop
and make sure your GPS is tracking properly.
That’s your proof, your GPS track.
You’re ok, make a call. </i>I
stopped to check my phone and of course I didn’t have cell service. I saw a photographer, Kevin, he’s taking
pictures and I ask him to vouch for me, that he saw me here and at this
time. He said “no problem, I’ll do
whatever you need”. He mentioned he
couldn’t get cell service until Lake City, and I’m going the other way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Further up the road I stopped a car with
Texas plates, at first the driver looked reluctant but thankfully the wives in
the back seat were concerned and promised to make a call to Matt. They warn me that I’m riding into a storm and
ask where I’m headed. <i>Spring Creek Pass, </i>I tell them. “Is someone picking you up there?” <i>No, I’m
in a race, I’m headed to Silverton. </i>“Not
tonight? Where are you sleeping?” It goes on like this and I realize they’re
not going to get it so I do my best to assure them that I’ll be ok, they are
aghast but they promise to call Matt and that’s all I care about. They’ll be at a land line in 30-45 minutes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After hunkering down in a ditch off the road during a lightning
storm and waving off many concerned vehicles as they distressfully searched out
their windows for the owner of the lone bike on the road, I make my final
ascent toward Spring Creek Pass. Kevin,
the photographer told me Chris was about an hour ahead of me. As I watched the fierce bolts of lightning
strike as if they had grabbed a hold of some vulnerable and scared creature, I
wondered and hoped it was not Chris. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The beginning of Segment 22 was different this year. I was reluctant to start this section. It was cold, dark was approaching fast and I
was following tire tracks in snow? Or
was this hail? Whatever it was it was
wet and cold and uninviting. I didn’t
have the legs to ride nor the stamina. I
was still bloody tired and I couldn’t muster the strength to straddle my pony,
every bone ached, my saddle sores screamed out for relief. Those who have ridden this section may recall
the portion of trail that meanders through a fairly flat and in some parts,
downhill, wide open mesa-like terrain.
It was impossible for me to ride.
The little rocks stick out just far enough to force concentration and
focus, two things completely gone this evening.
Another dismal circumstance of the trail is that every single rock that
sticks out offers enough resistance to bounce your butt slightly above your
seat only to smack it right back down making it feel as if your are riding bare
back naked. It was shear torture. Missing a turn is all I needed to help turn
this pathetic attempt of bike handling into a complete shit show. Descending down the wrong path is indeed what
I did, and of course it had to be a descent.
Adding in any extra climbing to a race that already has over 65,000 feet
of elevation gain can quickly turn a tired CTR racer into a psychiatric
patient. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I soon found myself falling asleep as I pushed my bike
up the tundra I somehow figured it was a good idea to bivy on top of some
freshly fallen hail that had iced over to form a nice, hard, cold bed. I immediately realized it was a poor choice
but exhaustion disabled me and I settled into sub-consciousness, knowing that a
teeth chattering, full body seizure was not only imminent but would soon serve
as my alarm clock. The worst thing about
being cold in your bivy is that the only way to get warm is to get out of the
bivy and move. The problem with this
scenario is that you’re so cold and moving seems like an intolerable task. As every muscle fiber in my body convulsed I
reluctantly rose from my slumber.
Tonight was one of two times that I actually used my real sleeping bag
and bivy, not the emergency ones, and packing in this sub functional state is
incredibly inefficient. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I arrived at Carson Saddle sometime just past sunrise. I come across a body, in a bivy, backpack
laid out, smack dab in the middle of the trail.
I considered my options. <i>Do I go around or step over? </i>I determine that going around requires
more effort than lifting my bike up and stepping over. Making as little noise as possible without
trying too hard I cautiously stepped over the person lying in the middle of the
trail, confident he was breathing and I need not concern myself with his
safety. Two seconds later I hear, “Hey,
who’s that?” It’s Chad and after our
identities are revealed he said “Can I ask you a favor?” I’m reluctant, as the only path I can make
sense of right now is the one in front of me and all I know is that I have to
continue to move in that direction (I’m pointing towards Silverton), favors are
not something I’m in a position to hand out at the moment. <i>What’s
up? </i> I carefully chose my words. “Can you tell me where I am?” I am sadistically satisfied at the fact that
someone else is may be worse off than I am.
“I just need to know how far I am from civilization. I got here last night sometime and I didn’t
know my own name. I told myself to go to
sleep and that someone would tell me in the morning.” I’m unsure exactly what to tell him as his
question, “Where am I?” is different from the “Where am I?” when you’re lost in
the city. Here we are on the Colorado
Trail and he’s sleeping on it and it’s the only trail around. <i>What does he mean, “Where am I? </i>I conclude, <i>you’re in the middle of Segment 22 and 23, we are about to start the
Cataract Ridge section before Silverton.
</i>He seemed to like that answer.
<i>Do you need anything else? </i>I ask before continuing on. “Yeah, a hug and a hot cup of coffee.” <i>I’m
going to go filter water down the trail a ways, I’ll see you there? </i>At this point, I’m the one that needs a
hug, my thoughts have turned rotten today and I cannot get out of my negative spiral
of thinking. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chad caught up with me after my water stop and we rallied on
together, forward. He needed more answers
and asked exactly how far Silverton was.
When the answer hurts him as much as it hurts me, he groans at the
thought of another 5-6 hours before he can have pizza and beer. “So is it ride-able or is it just more of this
bullshit (referring to the current hike-a-bike conditions)?<i>” More of the bullshit, </i>I
answer.<i>
</i>He thought as much.
Encountering like-minded people is one of the things I cherish most
about my bike- packing adventures. Chad
sheds some light on my state of self pity after I reveal my discouragement
concerning my current time and fear of not breaking the record. “Cat, 5 days 5 hours does not define you, you
define you.” <i>How does he know what to say?
It’s like he’s inside my brain. </i>He
dares me to flip the switch in my brain and turn everything negative into
positive. He has this ability to laugh
and joke and bitch at the same time about the terrain and race without making
it seem negative. It’s really hard what
we’re doing out here, no doubt about that, and he is suffering but he also
loves it. He is truly embracing his pain
and here he is from FLORIDA, killing it on the CTR. <i>How can
I find that flow?</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The truth is I never truly found my Zen this year. I tried with all my heart but I had
expectations, like breaking the record and doing a sub-five day CTR. I worked my ass off to try and achieve this
goal. Since February I focused so much
on this goal that I made sacrifices regarding spending time with friends and
family, food choices, abstaining from alcohol and foods like ice cream, pizza
and bread. I felt what it would feel
like to not just win but beat the record, be number one, finally see what I could
do. I was unwilling to let go of my
dream. Not yet, I couldn’t. So, in some ways Chad’s words threatened me
and scared me. <i>I cannot give up. I have to keep
going as fast as I can, I cannot stop, I have to try and break the record. </i>I totally got what he was saying but I
knew I would never forgive myself if I let go with over 70 miles to go. I informed him that I was going to be rolling
through Silverton fairly quickly, in case he wanted company for pizza and beer. He understood and at some point during this
Segment I pulled away, regaining my flow and I felt fairly good when I got into
Silverton. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mailed some unnecessary items back to myself in Durango
from the post office. I figured it would
be easy enough to find, all I had to do was look for the flag. Turns out every building in Silverton has a
flag and every person you ask is a tourist.
After a frustration search and many wrong turns I found the post office,
entered the double doors and immediately towards the cake. That’s right, cake at the post office. It was all I could do to stop myself from
devouring the entire thing; I had just been craving a chocolate cupcake. It was too good to be true. Dirty hands and face, eyes wide, I ask the
lady at the counter before I do anything else if I can have a piece. As I’m buying my box and required tape I’m
shoving a piece of cake in my mouth. It
was awesome!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a fairly efficient stop at the Silverton grocery
store, I made my way, slowly, up Molas Pass.
I left Silverton approximately at the same time Eszter left last
year. I didn’t think much about this, I
was confident I could do it. Sub-five day
was out of the question but the record was still in sight. For some reason I was not stressed nor
overwhelmed by what I needed to do. <i>One section at a time, bit by bit, you can
do this, no problem. </i> I almost think I was too confident. At some point in the early evening I heard a
voice, “Cat, I have your Spot”. <i> </i>I turned around and as I stare directly
at Fred I ask him who he is, doh, sleep deprivation. Everyone looks different during the day. A hiker gave it to him somewhere, he can’t
remember exactly all the details but here it is. I’m ecstatic.
Now Matt will know when I’m finishing, and people can witness my final
miles and hopefully record breaking finish!
Life was good again, <i>I feel good,
I have good food, and other people are out here</i>. Fred disappeared as quickly as he appeared
and after I hassled to put new batteries in my Spot, Kurt appeared. Kurt and I rode together more or less until
about 10:30 pm. His company was nice, we
talked, told stories, helped pass the time and more importantly kept each other
awake. Maybe we were talking too much
because at one point we headed off track and could not determine where or how
we lost the trail. After going down a
dirt road, back up the dirt road, back down the same dirt road and back up it,
we continued back up the trail to find the missed sharp right-hand turn further
up. Maybe 20 minutes passed, maybe
more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next several hours are hard to recall, they are also
painful to write about. When I looked
down at my watch and read, 10:12 pm, I gasped.
<i>Crap, its 10:12 pm. I have to get moving. </i>I had hoped to be on Blackhawk by now or
at least by midnight. Minutes after this
Kurt confessed to falling asleep, “this is where you lose me Cat, I’m
sorry.” <i>No problem, I totally understand.
</i>It’s not his job to keep me awake and I have to go and stay focused,
I still have a record to break. I panic
at the thought of screwing this up and I set off on my way. Minutes later I was falling asleep. I fumed, <i>I
can’t believe this is happening to me, I don’t want to stop and sleep. If I stop I risk losing precious time and the
record will be lost.</i> After much
reluctance and a slow descent down Blackhawk due to the heavy dropping of my
eyes, I pull over and begin my ineffective routine of cat naps. After two or three I relent. <i>I need
to sleep, this is ridiculous, I can’t ride, I’m falling off my bike, and this
is dangerous, sleep Cat, sleep. </i>I
bivy on the worst section of ground, it’s uneven, rooty and just plain
stupid. But again the poor sleeping conditions
ensure a quick awakening. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I woke up my heart ached. <i>I’ve
lost it, I let the record slip away. All
these months, all this hard work, all these sacrifices, gone, dream gone, goal
gone, I might as well give up bike racing.</i>
The weight is unbearable. I drag
myself up and go to mount my bike for my final day on the CTR and my delirium
disables me once again. <i>Which way was I going? Wait, it has to be this way, this is the
direction my bike is pointing. Why can’t
I remember? This is crazy, I’m really
losing it, I’m totally lost, I don’t know which way I came from. </i>After much consideration I determine
without a doubt the way I need to go.
Shortly down the trail I come to a corner I recognize and scoff at my
stupidity. <i>Are you f*#!ing kidding me? </i>I
need to sleep more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life. I feel the repercussion of my choice to limit
my sleep this year and I cringe at what is has cost me. I start to wonder why I didn’t plan this
better. <i>All this time training and I never once talked to Lynda about what my
sleep strategy was. How stupid could I
be? I totally blew it, what an idiot!</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometime around 6:00 a.m. I check my phone and I have cell
service. Unsure of whether Matt learned
of my Spot retrieval and knowing he would be anticipating my call I reluctantly
dialed his number. <i>Hey honey, I just thought I’d call to tell you I won’t be there any
time soon. </i>The lump in my throat triples
in size and my ability to speak escapes me.
“What’s wrong? Cat? Cat?
Where are you?” The lump
grows. I manage to get out that I’m on
Hotel Draw. After realizing that I’m not
in any real danger and that I’m ok except for the fact that I’m a complete
emotional disaster, he kindly says “It’s ok”.
Two words, the only ones I needed and wanted to hear. I haven’t let him down but along this
strenuous journey I was able to convince myself that I let everyone down,
mostly myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Indian Trail Ridge
I glance off to my left and the void below me.
I sincerely love my life and don’t want to die however irrational
thoughts have a tendency to overcome you when pain is all you think about and
feel. <i>If I jumped I could end it in a second.
I wonder if it would hurt. Would
I pass out before I hit the ground? One
jump and this suffering would be over, just like that, it seems so easy. </i>They’re just random thoughts, nothing I
would ever act on, just worth mentioning to give those who don’t do this a
taste of what it’s like to push yourself to a place you never thought
possible. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Coming off Kennebec Pass was a spiritual journey, if
spiritual journeys can be made to Hell.
I completely, absolutely, without a doubt, CAME UNDONE. I wept, I cried, I whimpered, I melted, I
shrunk, I became humbled yet again by the beast. <i>Why
does this always happen to me? Why? Why can’t I get a break? It isn’t fair? </i>These words make more sense now. When you’re exhausted and in pain it can be
either really hard or surprisingly easy to find clarity. At this moment everything was one big giant
blob of fog. As a matter of fact Denver
to Durango felt like a blur. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somewhere on the last section before Junction Creek I found
my groove again. NSAIDs helped and
knowing the end was so near gave me a calming sense of peace. I finally slapped some sense into myself and
pondering my accomplishment. <i>This is a really hard race Cat, look what
you’ve just done</i>. I know in my heart
I achieved a physical feat and that final descent, despite the numbness and
pain in my hands and feet, was a feeling only we finishers can describe. It was nice to be greeted by many familiar
faces. Jenn Cioppa, Kelly Behn, Joey Ernst, Chris
Miller, Matt Fletcher, all of you are very special people, thank you!</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKLQk4DIrkQewWkhPirHPg66evJWEyWC3t5kKyc4fZIsEg5bqNYTC4IBjZtPollSadvAR4GHYXnBISceiBPOXdFRZcso5DPb4otbch3Dwf812_tBSH2UaIZaL7rqePt3wIn-38y4XM_cU/s1600/427030_10151327650253625_1633481615_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKLQk4DIrkQewWkhPirHPg66evJWEyWC3t5kKyc4fZIsEg5bqNYTC4IBjZtPollSadvAR4GHYXnBISceiBPOXdFRZcso5DPb4otbch3Dwf812_tBSH2UaIZaL7rqePt3wIn-38y4XM_cU/s400/427030_10151327650253625_1633481615_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My friend Chris Miller congratulating me and I him.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRbjjZDN1FOf66pfvw-GyhMn5UOoYCbrosVdDErT-N3NC441FGfgiqLKMxEgE9EkFgt-MPdFCX9scP-N3H34ZkwhYe7NWXWE4akrI57c69L2ZIeU9m2AEJo5PJiqOdGJKVOP-EuX2Efcg/s1600/190010_10151327650103625_1483519_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRbjjZDN1FOf66pfvw-GyhMn5UOoYCbrosVdDErT-N3NC441FGfgiqLKMxEgE9EkFgt-MPdFCX9scP-N3H34ZkwhYe7NWXWE4akrI57c69L2ZIeU9m2AEJo5PJiqOdGJKVOP-EuX2Efcg/s400/190010_10151327650103625_1483519_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me at the finish, swollen from head-to-toe.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
One of the most simple but inspiring quotes I have ever read
is written by Jean Driscoll: “It’s risky
to dream big and hard work requires sacrifices.
The journey towards any goal will stretch you at times but is has the
ability to change your perspective on and enjoyment of life in everlasting
ways.” Perhaps Chad was right, a time
does not define me, but how I get there does.
My dear friend Eszter, who has taught me so much over the few short years I’ve known her (also a CTR friend),
commented on my race this year saying that I put everything on the line, gave
it all I had, and told me how much she respects me for doing so. It’s hard to know what would or wouldn’t have
happened if I did it any other way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We aren’t saving lives out there or ending wars, or finding
the solution to world hunger. We are
just simply riding our bikes, following our passions, committing to our own
personal dreams, and working really hard to accomplish something we believe
in. I used to think I did this because I
was searching for something but it just dawned on me that I think I’ve found
it, I think all of us out there doing these grueling races, pushing our limits,
have found it and that is why we keep coming back. And although we aren’t finding the cure for cancer, we are gravitating towards something, finding a commonality amongst each
other, and that unspoken energy that exists among us is comforting. It gives me hope in my fellow human being,
knowing that when we push ourselves further and further on a physical and
mental level, we come to the realization that truly anything is possible. I want to congratulate each and every person
that started, finished and did their personal best on the CTR this year. Thank you for committing to a goal, thank you
for exploring an amazing part of our country, simply because you can. We inspire people and in a sometimes dismal
world that is a special thing, cherish it!
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-59864059965832981292012-07-25T22:13:00.001-07:002012-07-25T22:13:20.863-07:00Nugget<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYgOVJltqaDLM9_Jcsd2Z78nHfyrthC03px0gshGP3nOn5s98k0FvYLDyeAyIiXA7dPs_e0k9DGaxw_NgsTuqKsp7DjFraCdYWM-4TS3OSVVQteMSL_nRw3qt7QGUwzlsUHVQjDh3KxA8/s1600/191.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYgOVJltqaDLM9_Jcsd2Z78nHfyrthC03px0gshGP3nOn5s98k0FvYLDyeAyIiXA7dPs_e0k9DGaxw_NgsTuqKsp7DjFraCdYWM-4TS3OSVVQteMSL_nRw3qt7QGUwzlsUHVQjDh3KxA8/s640/191.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Those eyes!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My nephew, Christian, has this magical way of reaching into
my heart and turning it into gold.
Perhaps when I nicknamed him Nugget as a baby, I subconsciously knew the
power of that little boy’s soul. Christian and I recently
got to spend some quality time together. During this time I amazingly watched as he jumped in the pool and swam the entire length without stopping; he became in expert swimmer, literally over night. I also had the honor to help him with his newly learned
skill of diving. I remember learning how
to dive and it being so much harder than my nephew’s seemingly nonchalant
efforts. After every dive he would ask “Were
my feet together?” and “Did my head go in first?” If I critiqued him he was quick and excited
to try again. He never complained, only
smiled and laughed. Learning to dive,
for him, did not appear to be the painstaking process I went through as my
grandfather practiced tireless patience while I assumed the position. I would stand, arms over head, knees slightly
bent, head tucked. “Just fall”, he would
say, and I would endure yet another belly flop.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4KqlH9HCCDGe6mAwztXj5b3MmTRaIJtqiuj2OagtkeQbM_F6Zl_2LcpuvVmsk07EuIT2QGuqrp5EAWEUMcAgaBBQ7fidQHp-XzH3un7oDMgP_JiBubzLhvzmo6K_RwzYeunAFhg7RCDs/s1600/IMG_0366_edited.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4KqlH9HCCDGe6mAwztXj5b3MmTRaIJtqiuj2OagtkeQbM_F6Zl_2LcpuvVmsk07EuIT2QGuqrp5EAWEUMcAgaBBQ7fidQHp-XzH3un7oDMgP_JiBubzLhvzmo6K_RwzYeunAFhg7RCDs/s640/IMG_0366_edited.jpg" width="570" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Doing laps in a 24 hour race with Cytomax breaks every 30 seconds. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being a part of my nephew’s diving experience was profoundly
special. I watched him in awe and with great pride. Whenever I complimented him he would simply
say “I know”. He has this way, this
incredible confidence that I envy. I
never remember being that confident, not even as a kid. So it got me thinking. As adults we always say “thank you” when
someone compliments us or “no I’m not” or if you’re like me you get really red
and embarrassed. It’s just not something
I have ever been comfortable with for some reason.
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj32O7oS3PWp3nwrdSjaOf2t6bavGhNOXJrE0PQymLiD6WbhbQUwOxCvqFvts-qKcClNVpELcERJ6ivpLjr0ssGNKfqwgiPSINGN85CIOJDsUNUH2CHmZTPT5IS_6QKONK_XqnRaltldv0/s1600/IMG_0616_edited.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj32O7oS3PWp3nwrdSjaOf2t6bavGhNOXJrE0PQymLiD6WbhbQUwOxCvqFvts-qKcClNVpELcERJ6ivpLjr0ssGNKfqwgiPSINGN85CIOJDsUNUH2CHmZTPT5IS_6QKONK_XqnRaltldv0/s640/IMG_0616_edited.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His favorite Witch costume!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m changing my ways thanks to my nephew. I am strong and fast and have worked really
hard for my goals and dreams. I know no
matter what I will succeed because I will have put my whole heart and soul into
it. My nephew will be with me this year
on the CTR, in so many ways. He will
give me wings to fly and the strength to endure. Thank you Christian for being such a precious
presence in my life. I love you with all
of my heart. Without further adieu I
dedicate this year’s <a href="http://www.climbingdreams.net/ctr/">Colorado Trail Race</a> to my one and only NUGGET! It’s going to be a good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk6uc8rcpINQGeu_AvKWy8BaWISb1Ag17rOmmGgPSNaOmaP1rcXhYbjcxgQa6_CEflj2I9JSn4yCkWBBy3Yxdn9lH873Yo9Jd3QPdzuki8WdSDE9V3AlX1lYp6v7o7vsMC6yI7D_HRprI/s1600/DSC_0630.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk6uc8rcpINQGeu_AvKWy8BaWISb1Ag17rOmmGgPSNaOmaP1rcXhYbjcxgQa6_CEflj2I9JSn4yCkWBBy3Yxdn9lH873Yo9Jd3QPdzuki8WdSDE9V3AlX1lYp6v7o7vsMC6yI7D_HRprI/s640/DSC_0630.jpg" width="427" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All grown up but always my Nugget.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-31193478178443113652012-06-24T14:28:00.000-07:002012-06-24T15:21:18.405-07:00The Long Awaited Adventure; Grand Loop 2012<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">It's dark in the trees despite our perfect Grand Loop planning that just happened to coincide with this full moon. I'm stopped, waiting for</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="background-color: white;"> </span><a href="http://2-epic.com/" style="background-color: white;">Lynda</a><span style="background-color: white;">, she was just behind me and now I don't see her. I'm wondering if she fell asleep and hoping not. Moments earlier she was cracking, mentioning she was sleeping while riding. I know how bad that sucks, I've been there. I hoped that she would spark up after her Via shot, I tried not to draw attention to the idea. I knew we could push on to the finish, we'd be stoked to do so. </span><i style="background-color: white;">Lynda! </i><span style="background-color: white;">No answer. I call out a second time, a little louder,</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="background-color: white;"> </span><i style="background-color: white;">LYNDA! </i><span style="background-color: white;">Still no answer. Eyes are staring back at me and things are moving, running. I wonder what they are. It's kind of eerie waiting in the dark with unidentifiable noises and glowing eyes. What seems like forever and probably only 30 seconds, Lynda appears. "I'm good, just had to change my battery out". She feels better and I'm stoked she rallied through her crack, we're in sync again, we're finishing tonight.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Only hours before I was the one in the cave of pain, wondering how I could finish tonight. I had just climbed the "Shandies", the first of two huge grunts up from Dewey Bridge on the Kokopelli Trail. I had no water leaving Dewey, counting on two sources before getting to Hideout Canyon. Being an exceptionally dry year, we were out of luck. I passed on the first puddle of "</span><span style="background-color: white;">desperation" water but when we got to Cottonwood and found it dry, I decided that desperation water was better than no water. Lynda apparently has no sense of smell, I have a nose like a dog, to a fault. My water smelled like sulfur and was green and slimy, Lynda's water was fine, strange!. I drank every last drop and was so thankful to have<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><a href="http://www.tailwindnutrition.com/" style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;">Tailwind<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span></a><span style="background-color: white;">to mix it with. As Lynda rode steadily and wistfully away from me up the "Shandies" I began my slow and painful crack session. I won't bore you with all the details of my self-depreciating thoughts but I will mention that I didn't think it was fair that Lynda weighed 40-plus pounds lighter than me, that damn hummingbird. After my moment of woe and licking every last particle of berry flavored<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><a href="http://www.tailwindnutrition.com/">Tailwind Endurance Fuel</a>, like it was crack, I had two thoughts. I first felt a deep sense of regret for not bringing more Tailwind and secondly I realized that no matter what, I was doing something quite extraordinary and it was high time I gave myself some credit. Goodbye meltdown, hello adrenaline high to the finish!</span></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Three days prior to this Lynda and I set out to start our first Grand Loop experience. It took me leaving Grand Junction and moving to Durango to finally go back and do this race. A few weeks before we started the Grand Loop I heard that little voice inside my head I often hear when I know I'm about to embark on an adventure. Some call these voices auditory hallucinations, I call them voices of reason. Lynda has been coaching me since February and knowing that I have a late summer goal in mind, she cautioned that I could do the Grand Loop but was not to wreck myself. We decided doing it together was a fine idea. It can be a real challenge to do a self-support bike-packing race with another person but Lynda and I are no strangers to these types of events and what better people to do it together than two ladies that possess such a love for biking and bike packing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I never felt like Lynda or I had to take care of each other. We were self-support, mind, body and bike. It was such a relief and pleasure to ride with someone who just gets it. When I cracked, hours before Lynda on our last day, she didn't try too hard to talk me through it. It was perfect, I could just crack in peace and not feel bad about it. She was just there, sitting, being, non-judging. It's hard to come by another female rider that you can be so in sync with. We had moments of just riding in silence, focusing on our pedal strokes, alone in our thoughts but together with the terrain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For those of you who don't know what the<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><a href="http://www.bikepacking.net/routes/grand-loop/">Grand Loop</a><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>is, it is a 360 mile loop that traditionally starts in Grand Junction, working its way to the start of the Kokopelli Trail to the base of the La Sals, linking the Paradox Trail with the Tabeguache Trail, a section that meanders the Uncompahgre Plateau and finally completes in Grand Junction. It covers some of the most vast, untouched land of Colorado. My heart has been set on this route for quite some time. I mainly wanted to explore an area I had never seen, one of the greatest appeals of any adventure to me personally. Lynda and I started in Uravan, a few miles up the road from Naturita and as long as you complete the loop it doesn't really matter where you start. Our decision was guided by a forest fire that had started in the Paradox Valley, our route would pass right through the burn area. We hoped that by the time we came back around the fire would be under control and the surrounding roads would be open. We were right and were able to complete the full route without any detours. Riding through the burn area felt like we were riding through a war zone, it was ominous. I could smell and feel the heat of the fire remnants before I could see the smoky piles of ash. It was quiet, no sign of human presence, only us, in the middle of the night, riding through a site that only days ago was roaring in flames, weird!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I'm not a big detail oriented person nor am I really good at recalling the details of events like our Grand Loop adventure. This is where Lynda comes in and you can read more about it<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><a href="http://2-epic.com/?p=1720">here</a>. I had a great time out there and riding it with Lynda was awesome. I am thankful for<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><a href="http://www.tailwindnutrition.com/">Tailwind Nutrition </a> for letting us try out their awesome sports drink. I have struggled so much over the years with stomach issues and endurance racing. One race I couldn't finish and another I almost dropped out of at mile 100 with only 25 to go. Needless to say it has taken a lot of racing and learning the hard way to get it right, and this is still a work in progress. Tailwind did not cause me any GI issues during the Grand Loop which is a huge success but it also gave me power. I could really feel the Tailwind working for me and grew confident, as the ride continued, that I could stay strong and steady while fueling with it, and limiting my intake of solid food. I basically ate dried fruit and drank Tailwind while I rode and as long as I stayed on top of it, I was golden. When I licked the Tailwind from my platypus container, regretfully thinking I should have brought more, I felt every last particle go streaming into my legs, this gave me some ideas for the future!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It's just before 4 a.m., 3 days 11 hours and 33 minutes after we started in Uravan. We're back at the same spot, on the side of the road, only now it's dark and the full, big, beautiful moon is lighting up the sand like an ocean. The last 10 miles have been spectacular and torturous, a dichotomy of emotions common in events like this especially when you can smell but not see the finish. The completion of any dream is a curious thing, happy to finish because you're so darn tired but sad to say goodbye. As we meandered through those last miles along the beautiful Dolores River, awaiting its confluence with the San Miguel, I marveled at our accomplishment but my breath was taken away by the stunning landscape we were currently flying through (yes, we had wings tonight); the full moon, the river, the canyon with its' huge rock cliffs shooting precipitously up as if they were passageways to a faraway place. I always say it and I hope I never stop, we are so, so, so fortunate to be here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We end with a toast of bacon, the two pieces Lynda has been hoarding for the last 150 miles or so. <span style="background-color: white;">She can now legally offer it to me because we finished the Grand Loop. We have no more food or water but could care less because we're done. We are in awe and exhausted and pass out on the side of the road, 15 miles from our cars in Naturita. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Lastly, Naturita is in this country and it is in Colorado but for some it might as well be a town in the Middle East (a little inside joke). Thanks for reading and sorry it took me so long, I'm a nurse that works night shifts and a bike rider by day!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-79820218537715844032012-05-14T16:36:00.000-07:002012-05-14T17:17:34.550-07:00SolidarityIt wasn’t until I went away to Vermont for college that I experienced a strong sense of community and made everlasting friendships with my like-minded hippy spirits. I finally found people that understood me and loved me for who I was, I blossomed into the person I always wanted to be and for the first time in my life I felt comfortable doing that. It was the first time I enjoyed the fun and excitement of festivals and hippy gatherings alike. I went to events such as Reggae Fest, Ben & Jerry’s Festival and Bread and Puppet. I found a community of people that I loved and felt supported in. I moved to Colorado the winter of 2003 and went on my first mountain bike ride that following summer. The next summer I jumped on a bike and tried racing some local XC races and thought it was ok. The next summer I did my first 24 Hour race, Montezuma’s Revenge. I lived in Montezuma at the time and loved the idea of racing literally out my back door. The camaraderie I had felt years ago in Vermont resurfaced at a venue I never dreamed I would be in. I found a new group of people so amazingly supportive, energetic and positive, most of them I had never met before.<br />
<br />
One of my favorite things about racing is getting to see all the wonderful people I have met throughout the years. I ride by myself a great deal of the time, I think mainly because I don’t want to be responsible for taking other people on my wild goose chases and, not everybody likes my go-with-the-flow style of riding. However when I do get to ride with my fellow bike riding nuts, I absolutely shine and love it, they inspire me. I do races that involve the <a href="http://www.climbingdreams.net/ctr/ctr_rules.html">self-support rules</a> and races that do not. This past weekend I raced the <a href="http://12hoursofmesaverde.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm">12 Hours of Mesa Verde</a> and although I competed in the solo single-speed category, it was not a solo experience. First I had my one man support crew and boyfriend, Matt Fletcher, lubing my chain and offering me my assortment of fruit choices in between laps. We pitted with the guys from <a href="http://www.kokopellibike.com/content/RaceTeam.html">Kokopelli Bike and Board</a>, the team to which I am the newest member. Even though I spent little time in the pit getting to know everyone, I couldn’t have picked a better group of guys and team to be a part of. Matt enjoyed hanging out with the wives as the boys and I raced around in circles for 12 hours. Secondly I had crowds of people cheering me on, making me feel like a champion, old friends, new friends, acquaintances and strangers. My friend <a href="http://davebyers.blogspot.com/">Dave Byers</a> rode behind me and entertained me with jokes, stories, songs and movie quotes for my second and third lap. I grew discouraged at the end of lap three as my body started to hurt, way too soon in my opinion. He left me with REM’s “Everybody Hurts”, it would become my theme song for the next 7 hours. It was a fine reminder that everybody was or would be hurting. Simple and true words that had a great affect on my mood and state of mind from then on out, thank you Dave and congrats on such a strong race! <br />
<br />
I ended up winning my category and completing 7 laps, goal number one and two accomplished!
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs3WFDv7DN7tUaaapouqJMi9K-cbMbHTXhUkD__cP-7l3xEwsPagJBIylNzcd33IMVmbmtYGfavbGHYkJ91sxFpvnk8-12zptdWEeLt9Q2hH3ZchlqmribGfrdqYRbDnbO_i2tLIlK-x0/s1600/475570_3139058591564_1117884827_32175412_1599929513_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs3WFDv7DN7tUaaapouqJMi9K-cbMbHTXhUkD__cP-7l3xEwsPagJBIylNzcd33IMVmbmtYGfavbGHYkJ91sxFpvnk8-12zptdWEeLt9Q2hH3ZchlqmribGfrdqYRbDnbO_i2tLIlK-x0/s320/475570_3139058591564_1117884827_32175412_1599929513_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I don’t think I could have done this without the amazing coaching skills of <a href="http://lwcoaching.com/">LW</a>. Thank you Lynda for believing in me! I also can’t say that I felt great after the first few hours which was a little discouraging but as <a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/">Eszter</a> reminded me, you really aren’t supposed to feel that great while racing your bike hard for 12 hours. As much as I tried to relax my body, every little bump started to hurt which caused me to go slower and slower. Pre-riding this course I would not have described it as technical but after 3 laps I changed my tune. Seven times on Toughy Rim hurts something fierce.<br />
<br />
Sunday after the race some friends came over for breakfast and as I fumbled around the kitchen with Eszter’s great help cooking yummy food with flax, eggs, and vegetables, Chris made sure that the French Press never remained empty. For the next 5 hours I grazed around my kitchen, eating, visiting, talking, reliving moments of the race. I asked my friend Katie Stamp what we would talk about if we didn’t ride bikes, we decided that we would just sit around in silence. <br />
<br />
Biking changed my world in so many ways I never imagined possible and it has been a vehicle for me to not only visit really cool and interesting places but to meet even more cool and interesting people. I am thankful beyond words for every single one of you!Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-61835759179608891392012-03-28T00:00:00.000-07:002012-03-28T00:00:47.424-07:00Roller Coaster DreamsGrowing up my cousins, siblings and I used to ride our bikes in this area in the woods behind our grandparent’s house. The woods were probably more like ten trees but for a girl who grew up in the suburbs of Maryland, more than two trees together were good enough for me. I spent most of my childhood playing in creeks, wishing there were woods around, and longing to climb mountains. I had no idea what mountains were until I moved to Colorado. As a child life was simpler, I could find adventures anywhere I went. That anywhere happened to be in the neighborhood creeks, alleys, parks and ditches. I imagined myself lost in the woods having the bare minimum for survival. I longed for a closer connection with the earth, the woods, and the outdoors. My grandparents lived in Ridgefield, Ct and for this adventurous soul, it satisfied all the cravings I had for the bigger and greater outdoors not found in my urban Baltimore home. We called our little biking area in the back yard the “roller coaster”. It was sublime. It had dips and dirt and circumvented a large dug out hole. At least this is my memory of it. I can still feel how I felt as a child riding the roller coaster. I suppose it was my first real mountain bike ride although I’m pretty sure I was on a ten speed or a similar variation and the route was maybe 10 possibly 15 yards at best. It didn’t matter, I was in the woods, playing with my cousins, riding my bike on the roller coaster; life couldn’t get much better than that. It was simple, pure, joyous and fun.<br />
<br />
I recently said goodbye to my Grandfather and his home for the last time. With it has come a storm of emotions, heavier than I anticipated. It is true, when someone older dies, it is more expected and that somehow should lessen the burn. To my surprise my grandfather’s death and the closure of an era are not what I would call easy. I will now venture to say that MY grandfather was different, special, not like all the others, but that would probably be inaccurate as most grandparents rank pretty high on the special list. I will say that Jack Jones was special to me, and having him in my life for 38 years was a gift. Knowing he is not sitting in his chair in his home in Ridgefield and knowing I will never visit him there again in my home away from home, hits my core. I’m fairly healthy emotionally, although I have my days, and I can be sad about something without it overwhelming me. So I recognize the healthy process of death and dying but sometimes it’s the living I struggle with. What does it all mean? Someone you love dies and then what? You just remember them and that’s it, it’s over? It feels a little cold, to say goodbye, walk away, never look back, never go back, just like that. I’m trying to be comfortable with this loss, this end of a chapter in my life. To have someone in your life that loves you so unconditionally that truly makes you feel like you are the only one that exists in the time you are with them, is a magical thing. <br />
<br />
The thing about magic is you can’t and aren’t really supposed to explain it; otherwise it’s ruined, lost. With every event in Cat Morrison’s life comes a moment of truth, meaning, depth, growth. I may be overly sentimental but I NEED answers, I long for closure. I have determined the seemingly obvious fact that it is about how someone makes you feel. The legacy of Jack Jones is a big one as was his heart, but it was fairly simple. My greatest memory and what I carry with me daily is the gift of his love and how it made me feel. There is no describing the love you get from someone who looks upon you without judgment or criticism but rather pride and respect. His love is irreplaceable as it should be. It is my turn to make others feel the way he made me feel. It’s all about love, embracing it, sharing it, accepting it. <br />
<br />
I find magical roller coasters everyday on my bike and it is only until recently that I have made the connection to the hole in the backyard. I smile big when I realize after 30 years I can still have fun in the dirt! I smile bigger when I realize what my grandparents have given me.Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-14399573879957148322012-03-07T10:25:00.000-08:002012-03-07T10:25:16.840-08:00PancakesClearly I am not a very good blogger. I have what I think to be creative thoughts running in and just as fast, out, of my mind. Mainly these thoughts come when I'm on the bike and I often wish I had a tape recorder that I could speak into as I'm riding, knowing that as soon as I'm home, eating, drinking, stretching, sitting on the couch, I will forget, forget the epiphanies, the creative sentences that flow from my free spirit. And even though I never write, the lesson is obvious, biking frees my mind. I know that in order for me to feel good, alive, free, and happy, I must ride or move my body outside with the earth. I hate to admit that there are times that my mind stops me. This is a ridiculous, cruel game that my mind creates because as soon as I'm moving, biking, skiing, running, I feel better. Sometimes the first step really is the first step. <br />
<br />
Yoga helps to. I have recently discovered doyogawithme.com, it's a free and convenient way to practice. I didn't think I would get into it but there are all sorts of classes and a wide variety of levels and intensities. I find myself looking forward to "class". Every once in a while I'll get a really good message from it as well. One message that has been quite constant in my life that I'm not always good at practicing is living in the present. It's something that yogis preach and it is nothing new. However, during one of my recent classes I heard this message a bit differently than I ever have before. "If you are constantly thinking about the next moment or task you have to complete instead of focusing on this moment, and strengthening this moment, you're always going to miss this moment and you'll never truly grow". Well that may not be it verbatim but you get the point.<br />
<br />
Two things that keep me in the moment, truly present, are biking and eating. I love pancakes and about 10 months ago I started experimenting with the Paleo Diet for Athletes. It changed my life and although at this present time I am not an avid or even close to avid Paleo eater, I have eliminated wheat from my diet (although this morning Matt had donuts and I couldn't resist that chocolate frosting calling my name; it wasn't worth it!) Ok, so sometimes I cheat and eat what my body doesn't like, another strange phenomen. Eliminating wheat has not been as hard as I once thought, unless there are delicious treats staring at me in my kitchen or my cousin Diane's delicious chocolate chip cookies where one cookie probably equals about a dozen! My point to all of this is that I received The Feed Zone (by Biju Thomas and Allin Lim) as a graduation gift from my friend Katie, it is a cookbook for athletes and the recipes are sublime.<br />
<br />
Paleo pancakes sometimes leave me feeling unsatisfied and I feel the need for a little more starch. This morning I made the following Rice and Banana Pancackes:<br />
2 cups cooked white race<br />
2 eggs, lightly beaten<br />
1 ripe banana<br />
2 Tbsp brown sugar (agave nectar or honey ok)<br />
1 Tbsp rice flour<br />
1 and a half- 2 cup milk (I use coconut milk)<br />
pinch of salt (I rarely add salt to food) <br />
Mix all ingredients in blender, adding milk slowly for desired thickness and pour batter (pancake by pancake) into pan and cook like pancakes. They turn out gooey in the middle but are delicious. Add fruit, cinnamon, nutmeg, whatever. I'm a half recipe follower and it usually works out. <br />
<br />
Hope you enjoy! I'm off to embrace the wind.Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-78747972722198283082011-08-11T15:17:00.001-07:002012-03-07T08:48:10.583-08:00CTR 2011: Embracing the PainIt all started sometime in the middle of last semester when I decided to check out the Human Performance Lab at Mesa State. I figured it would be smart of me to take advantage of the free student services offered at the lab. Most interesting to me was the VO2 max test. It is just like me to decide to do this during the time of year that I am most out of shape. <i>Why not? Maybe I'm some sort of anomaly and I should figure that out sooner than later, right?</i> What I did discover from this humiliating experience is that I am not only not an anomaly but that I must not be doing interval training. <i>Really? This is what I came here to figure out? Does this guy think I don't know that already?</i> From the beginning the experience stunk. I could tell that as soon as my test was clearly not revealing signs that the Olympic recruiting committee would be showing up at my door the next day, this dude was completely uninterested in me and my questions. <br />
<br />
I promptly took off after school the following day to do intervals. <i>I'll show him! He'll see what I can really do come next semester after a summer of high altitude and riding and training. Who does he think he is?</i> Two days later I came down with an upper respiratory infection. <i>I guess I showed him.</i><br />
<br />
The thing is, most of my life I have believed that I am slow and not a very gifted athlete. Maybe it stems from a childhood of mean soccer girls telling me to speed up or making fun of me behind my back about how I need to run faster. Maybe it was all those Wednesday night cross country races I used to do in Summit County where no matter how much I rode I could never win. Maybe it's the fact that when I hit a hill I cringe as I hear the crowd of people starting to pile up behind me, desperately waiting to pass. I shamefully move to one side and watch as my competitors, weighing 30-50 pounds less than me, pass by as if I'm standing in place. <br />
<br />
Sometime in February I said I was going to do the CTR again, however it wasn't until June that I committed my heart to it. <i>I'm not going to even do the CTR so it doesn't matter.</i> Matt stopped what he was doing and the room became completely still. I don't know if I said it to get a reaction out of him or if I truly meant it. Regardless I wanted something to change, I was looking for some answers. <blockquote>What do you mean? This is your race, this is what you do, I thought you were all about it?</blockquote><i>I'm just tired of being slow and getting my butt kicked, I just don't want to get my butt kicked again.</i> This conversation goes on for several minutes but it comes down to a few simple but profound revelations. Matt leads me to discover that bike racing should be fun and bike-packing is a special thing that I should not lose sight of. He gently tells me that on paper it is probably difficult for me not to get beat but it doesn't matter. He tells me he respects me for the decisions I make and the life I lead and that if I want to focus on winning I need to make more sacrifices. I tell him that I don't want to give certain things up and he reiterates his respect for me but tells me I have to be happy with what I get for what I do. <br />
<br />
Something shifted for me after that conversation. It wasn't that I didn't think I trained hard enough or wasn't fast enough or good enough or compared myself to anyone else. It was that I accepted myself for who I was and what I did and I stopped taking it so seriously. <i>I'm training for this really hard race and that is enough.</i> I knew that last year was tough for me, mainly mentally. I did not want to repeat the mental anguish and abuse I put myself through. I wanted to have a race that was my race and I wanted to feel good. I wasn't going to do the CTR if my mind was not ready. <br />
<br />
When I lined up on August 1st just outside of Denver for the start of the CTR with 70 or so other racers, my mind and spirit were ready. I had my ride worked out in my head and my goals were simple: finish under 6 days, ride your ride and don't worry about anyone else, feel good, be happy, embrace the pain. Knowing that all I had to do was follow my own little plan left me feeling confident. I read somewhere recently that if you trust you have no reason to worry but if you worry you do not trust. I trained my mind to trust, to stay confident and positive. I also learned an instrumental approach about dealing with pain. <br />
<br />
A few months ago I was hanging out with <a href="http://2-epic.com/">Lynda</a>, <a href="http://jenyjomtbbliss.blogspot.com/">Jeny </a>, and Lenore (Mike Curiak's lady), when Lenore said something that changed my life. She told Lynda that she was one of the only people she knew that did not emotionalize her pain. This statement rung in my head for the many weeks to come. <i>What does this mean? How do you or don't you emotionalize pain?</i> I thought this over a lot. I found myself practicing what would be come an incredibly beneficial skill and asset for the CTR. Anytime I felt a twinge of pain over the course of the weeks leading up to the CTR I would catch myself "emotionalizing". I would start to let the pain form my emotions and if I could catch myself I could stop myself. <i>Stop Cat, don't emotionalize, just sit with it and don't let it go further than that. </i><br />
<br />
Anytime during the CTR this year that I started to feel pain, discomfort, tiredness, loneliness, frustration, or even elation I would be cautious not to attach myself to any of these feelings. Maybe it sounds weird but it worked for me. <br />
<br />
Day One: I arrived in Bailey and tried to break into the gas station. I did not notice the big yellow sign on the door that read "Temporarily Closed", but quickly saw the doors were bolted shut and the strange stares coming from the faces of the people standing on the other side. The rain poured down on many of us on the dirt road detour before 285, the sun shortly dried it up. I was happy to find myself at the bottom of the Middle Fork hours earlier compared to the prior two years. Aaron, James L., Jeff Rank, Jefe were among the few of us there. When I arrived to the beginning of the West Ridge climb in Breckenridge, there to my surprise was Stefan guiding me to go around and do the detour. I detoured to the Dredge and picked up the rest of the trail there. I bivied at the start of the 10-Mile range but got little to no sleep, evidently a popular trail in the wee morning hours. <br />
<br />
Day Two: I was ascending the thorn in my side by 3:30 am, the last two years have proven this segment to be one of the hardest for me. I was happy to have a descent free of falling on the other side and was in Copper by 7:00 am along with many other CTR racers including Zach Guy, Garrett, Jordan and <a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/">Chris Miller</a>. It was great seeing everyone and I hadn't seen Zach since last year's CTR and barely recognized him. What a fun reunion! I climbed Searle Pass back and forth with Zach, I eventually made it to Leadville riding the last part with Jordan. I stopped and had the worst nachos of my life fully loaded with Velveeta cheese, packaged chicken, and fake everything else. I was irritated that I essentially threw away $8. My goal was to make it to BV by night or early the next morning. It rained on me most of the way to BV and my drive train took a beating (I began to miss my singlespeed). I arrived in BV just after 11 pm, went straight to 7-11 and heated up some microwave-only chicken nuggets, I ate like 15. I wandered aimlessly trying to figure out where to sleep in BV. I unfortunately had to wait until morning when the post office opened to pick up my drop box. This was not good planning on my part and cost a lot of hours. I sort of slept from about 1 am until 5 am in the dugout of the baseball field. I meant to ride back out of town and sleep on the county road but my drive train was not functioning, I had chain suck like I've never seen. <br />
<br />
Day Three: Anxious to leave the dugout, I arose and hung out around the bathroom until about 6 am. As I pushed my bike through the streets I see another bike outside of a bakery, it's <a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/">Chris Miller</a>. We chat a while and he comes out and looks at my bike, he pushes the pedal and magically, no more chain suck! For some reason that did not work for me. We go shopping at City Market together and then Bongo Billy's for coffee, good coffee, as the bakery coffee was terrible and I do not stand for such a thing. Inside City Market at the check-out line Chris decided to "dry out" as he puts it. A mixture of water, dirt and possibly pine needles begins to pour off of him but looks like out of him. It is falling right in between his legs and he is straddling this rather large puddle on the floor. He just stares at it and asks "Is that me?" I laughed so hard I cried which served as great entertainment for the rest of the day. I left BV by 8:30 am after the Post Office. I did not see any other racers today and made it to Marshall Pass around 11 pm. I tried finding a cabin I had heard about as it was threatening to rain but was unsuccessful. I than began searching for a bivy spot under some large pine trees however every square inch was covered in cow crap. I started up the next segment and hunkered down in some trees. I got rained on and wet and cold and woke up shivering. <br />
<br />
Day Four: I left "camp" after shoving my wet bag and bivy away around 3:00 am. This was one of the hardest days and I think that Sargent's Mesa is the stupidest thing you can do on a bike. I was tired because I barely slept and when I started to fall asleep I would hear voices and growling animals and I did not know what was real or an auditory hallucination. These next 2 segments worked me over so hard that I promised myself a nap when I got to the beginning of Segment 18. Trail Angel Apple was there and I crawled under the tent and slept to the sound of the rain for the next 2 hours. When I awoke John Ross had just arrived. I asked if he liked that last segment and tried to get him to complain about how horrible it was. <blockquote>I rather enjoyed it actually! Reminds me of back home.</blockquote>He says in his happy British accent. <i>Figures he liked it, I had a feeling he would.</i> He than asked if I was wondering why he lives where he does. I was actually wondering how it was possible for anyone to enjoy that section but good for him. We ended up riding together to our bivy spot that night. It was great to have some company, that section is always tough for me and makes me feel super lonely. It was so incredibly clear out and the coloring was spectacular. It did get chilly quick. We got to a camp spot as John Fulton was leaving. I tried sleeping for 2 hours, than pushed on through the night.<br />
<br />
Day Five: Riding at 2:45 am, ascending makes it harder to fall asleep but when I hit the descent before the final ascent to Spring Creek Pass I'm falling asleep. It's torture, I remember this same thing happened last year. I have to pull off the road and lean on a pile of rocks so that I can close my eyes, I only need 5 minutes. I am immediately in a dream state but somewhere between awake and asleep. I hear voices, see things. Boom! I'm awake and back on my bike. This segment to Carson Saddle is great, I feel springy and energetic and fast. I see several bikers hiking their bikes in front of me but I can't tell who they are. At Carson's Saddle before the next segment I meet up with <a href="http://shawngregorymountainbiker.blogspot.com/">Shawn Gregory</a> and he tells me the <a href="http://www.andrew-carney.blogspot.com/">Carney</a> brothers are in front of us. I get through the next segment one way or another. It never fails that I fall for every false summit. <i>How many times do I have to do this to finally learn the trail?</i> I tell myself to imagine the number of climbs as infinite and then that way when I finally finish I'll be surprised. That didn't work so well. When I got into Silverton, and immediately pulled into the grocery store but at the last minute notice there is a car trying to pull out and my mind's reaction time is a little off at this point so I'm not quite sure what happened except that I went down. Trying to dismount my bike and walk has proven more difficult than riding at this point. The Carney brothers are just watching as they eat their food, maybe in awe, maybe too tired to respond but they see that the driver thinks she has hit me. She rolls down her window, <blockquote>Did I do that?</blockquote><i>Nope, I did that all on my own, that's just how tired I am.</i> The <a href="http://www.andrew-carney.blogspot.com/">Carneys </a> take off and I stay for a LONG time. I eat, I drink, I organize, I wash my shorts, I buy some more food, I'm tanked. I am having a hard time motivating and even though I thought when I got to this point I'd be so excited to be so close to the finish, I still have 75 miles of some of the hardest terrain to cover, and that feels overwhelming. I finally left Silverton at around 8:30 pm, having arrived somewhere between 6 or 6:30. When I arrived at the top of Molas Pass and decided to bivy a little ways off the trail before I carry on. I have this feeling I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. First off I knew that<a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/"> Eszter</a> was not that far in front of me and I could narrow the gap if I kept pushing; catching her was a stretch but it would be super cool to be within a few hours of someone like her. I didn't have it in me though, it was weird. I just didn't want to ride that technical section of single track in the dark without some horizontal time. I thought I could do better if I took a few hours off the bike, ate, rested and than started the home stretch "fresh". So that's what I did and when I left at 3 am I still lacked motivation; it wasn't until the sun came up that I gained my fire. I was flowing with the earth, I was one with my bike, my body was tired of course but riding seemed oddly effortless. I was clearing technical rocky sections without problems. I was totally surprising myself. I was dancing to the music blaring in my ear. Before I knew it I was descending the other side of Black Hawk and stopped at my last water source for a while. I observe that I've had very little water and did not seem thirsty. <i>Weird? Why haven't I been thirsty since day one?</i> The water treatment drops I brought are foul is why. They make my mouth taste disgusting and I couldn't stand the taste anymore. I made a decision. The water seemed so nice and clean and I hated to ruin it with those drops so I filled my camel back with fresh mountain stream water and accepted that giardia may be likely; I cared not at that point.<br />
<br />
My last afternoon and evening on the bike was something I don't get too often. I was so careful to keep calories and fluids going so that I didn't fall apart at the very end like last year. As I finally reached Indian Trail Ridge my brain was flooded with helpful mantras, inspirational quotes, Zach Guy's perseverance through this section last year with a half functional bike, embracing the pain, what was waiting for me at the finish, and finally my beautiful, supportive, nurturing, ever present EARTH. As the pain pierced the bottoms of my feet from hours after relentless hours of pushing my bike, I made a conscious effort to feel the pain, observe it, and let it go. <i>I can do this. It really works. Did I think pain was not going to be an issue? Of course it was, it always is. If I choose to look at it for what it is and not "emotionalize" it, I'm golden.</i> So I gave my feet and other parts of my body the few seconds of recognition they deserved for their hard work and I moved on. As I slowly but surely made my way to the final summit I received a friendly reminder of why I was there. I stopped, turned around, and gasped at the sight of her. I opened my arms and hugged my mother. <i>I love you universe! You are so beautiful!</i> I shouted out. <i>That was for you <a href="http://jenyjomtbbliss.blogspot.com/">Jeny</a></i> I said. If you've ever ridden with her, you know what I mean. I put my hand to my chest and had one of my last and few "white moments". I thought of how lucky I was to be there and felt sad for those who never get the chance. I felt sad for those who don't love our universe the way she deserves to be loved. Mainly I felt lucky. I was honored. She deserves my reverence. <br />
<br />
The final segment was amazing. I road strong and triumphed the hills. If I wasn't riding them I was running them. I was determined to finish before dark. As I meandered through the very tall grass nearing dusk I thought of an article I read in a mountain bike magazine recently about how you should avoid riding at dawn and dusk, the times that mountain lions hunt, and how their habitat is tall grass. <i>It would really suck if I got attacked at this point.</i> I thought. <i>I would be really pissed off if I came this far only to have it ruined.</i> I made some appropriate noises to ward off any predators and kept pushing. <i>If it's going to happen it's going to happen and hopefully it's quick.</i> After I reached the high point before the final descent, I ate and drank something, peaches to be exact. I knew this descent takes energy and I didn't want to bonk. Not far into the descent I am met by a huge, big butted, brown, stupid.....COW! Because these animals lack any sort of intelligence whatsoever, the thing jumped in front of me and decided to run down the middle of the trail as fast as it could (which by the way is not very fast) because I have just become it's herder. <i>I can't believe this. You've got to be kidding me. OUT OF THE WAY YOU STUPID, STUPID ANIMAL!</i> I yell and yell and wonder if anyone can hear this crazy lady screaming in the woods. <i>Of course this is happening, now, so close to the finish, this stupid cow, slowing me down. Why is there a stupid cow on a mountain bike trail?</i> I continue to yell. After what seems like forever I began to laugh at myself and the situation and hear "give up control, gain power". There's nothing I can do about it so I might as well submit. Finally the thing moves over far enough for me to get around which scares the crap out of it and this big ass animal darts up a steep hill on the side of the trail. <i>Finally, you got some sense in you!</i> The next animal to jump out in front of me is a much smarter species, the black bear. It darts up the trail, stops, turns around and stares at me. I obviously keep going and glance occasionally over my shoulder but there is no threat. <br />
<br />
These last miles go on forever and the light at dusk makes it hard to see. I reluctantly stop and pull a fresh battery from my bag, strap in on my bike and continue. After I cross the bridge I know I am home free. I'm feeling great, happy, tired, but happy. I am greeted by a crowd of people, well maybe 8 people, but that's a lot for a CTR finish. Usually it's just Matt and Ringo. It was a blissful ending to a blissful ride. <a href="http://elfreakofromrico.blogspot.com/">Jeff</a> from Rico was there and his wife, Shawn Gregory's wife and girl were there, Joe's girlfriend, John Ross' friend and of course my boys, Matt and Ringo. <br />
<br />
It's amazing how far your mind will take your body until it knows it's done. Five minutes after I finished the CTR my mind knew it and I could no longer function. Simple choices became seemingly difficult. Choosing to wear shorts or pants, sit or stand, eat or drink, were decisions that confused me. I can't believe I was able to keep it together right up until the end with maybe only an hour to two hours of sleep a day for 5 days. I had never done that before. The mind really is a powerful thing. <br />
<br />
I added a lot here and still left a lot out. I like sharing and telling my experience to those interested in hearing about it. Your body goes through a lot out there and you somehow forget this a few days after you're done. There were moments where food was just unbearable because the taste in my mouth was as if I had gargled with gasoline and rubbed it with sand paper. The pain in my ass became so bad that at times it felt like it had been scrubbed with sand paper as well. There were moments when my own stench made my stomach turn and I wondered what other people smelled as they went by me. Sometimes the only thing I wanted was an ice cube just to soothe the burning all over my mouth and lips. The visual hallucinations remained pretty consistent but you get used to them. I know there's more but sometimes I forget, forget what the pain is like, until I do it again. So, why do I come back? Why do I do it in the first place? I guess because I can. We have these incredible bodies and minds capable of so much more than we do. I want to know what my maximum potential is and I know I'll probably only get a glimpse. There is an inner gut feeling that drives me, I call it my fire. As long as I'm alive I'll strive to keep it lit. <br />
<br />
Thank you to all my friends who supported me all summer long. Thank you Holly for your endless encouragement and friendship, Katie F. for the skins and your interest and support, Katharine, my soul bike sister and for a place to stay and acclimate, Sarah, Miriel, and Leigh for always routing for me, <a href="http://2-epic.com/">Lynda and Dave</a> for your coaching plan and Camp Lynda that started my year with motivation and determination. Thanks <a href="http://gooneyriders.typepad.com/">Eszter</a> for being an inspiration as a rider and friend, thank you my wonderful sisters Mary and Teresa for being always so mentally supportive, thank you <a href="http://brginredsidis.blogspot.com/">Cynthia</a> for all that you are and give to me. Thank you Stefan for the dream. Thank you <a href="http://www.voodoocycles.net/index.htm">Voodoo</a> for the bike and <a href="http://www.lacemine29.com">Mike Curiak</a> for building awesome wheels. Thank you <a href="http://www.ergon-bike.com/us/en/home">Ergon </a> for grips that don't make my hands go numb. Thank you Mom and Dad for giving me my tenacity. Thank you Bennett for loading my MP3 player with some of my favorite artists: Led Zepplin, Bob Marley, and The Grateful Dead....they were the best pain relief I could ask for! To my best friends Julie and Stacy, Julie for telling me to embrace the pain and Stacy for your heart, spirit and sisterhood. And finally to Matt, my love, my friend, my bike mechanic. Thank you for spending endless time, money and energy spent getting my bike dialed to ensure I would have a successful ride. Your support means more to me than words can tell. I'm sorry if I'm forgetting anyone, you know who you are and I love you all.Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-68432067679883004702011-05-17T09:21:00.000-07:002011-05-17T09:39:30.354-07:00Those old familiar placesI’ve probably said it before and I’ll probably say it again, the Kokopelli Trail holds much meaning to me. My adventures in the endurance self-support mountain bike scene started with the KTR in 2006. I had no idea what I was getting into then, but knew there had never before been a female finisher. My dream quickly faded before my eyes when I learned that Jari Kirkland had showed up but more impressively when I saw a little lady with pigtails fly by me like a bat out of hell (that would be <a href="http://2-epic.com/" target="_blank">LW</a>, at the time I did not know her). My finish in 2006 was the hardest thing I had ever done on a bike. It took me 20 hours and 30 minutes! I had a pack equivalent to something one would carry on a week-long backpacking trip loaded down with randomness that I ended up carrying with me the entire 144 miles. I got lost, confused, and hot, bothered, lost again, hallucinated, and wanted to quit more times than not. It was not an easy task and when I think back I can’t believe I drug myself to the finish. Since 2006 I have done the KTR three more times including this year and each time offers such a completely different experience.<br />
<br />
This year I managed my best time and best feeling ever on the KTR. I don’t know why I felt so good. I honestly didn’t think I could pull this one off so soon in the season with the complete lack of any organized training under my belt. School, having just finished, has been brutal this semester and I think I was just longing for some time in the saddle. I also can't resist the opportunity to ride through Fisher Valley during sunrise, it is one of my favorite places on earth. <br />
<br />
I have been experimenting with different ways of eating both on and off the bike and perhaps this contributed to me feeling so good. I never really felt sick to my stomach, which if you know me you know this is huge. I occasionally would eat some digestive enzymes and kept drinking <a href="http://www.carborocket.com/home" target=_blank">CarboRocket</a>, an occasional <a href="http://www.kepsballs.com/index.html" target=_blank>Kep's Ball</a>, some baked yams, cashews, and coca-cola. The worst feeling I had was climbing for the first several hours. I was victim to my 32x20 gear and could not sit; the hills were relentless at times. I wondered what I was doing out there, so early, so little training, and mainly I wondered why I was on a single speed. Once I got through the worst of the climbing I started to feel a wee bit better but when I looked at my watch at Dewey Bridge and realized it was 8:30, I got antsy. I left quickly and remembered last time I made it through Yellow Jacket in 45 minutes. This time it took me nearly 30 minutes longer in Yellow Jacket and this bothered me. My only real goal at the start of this was to finish, but when I started feeling better instead of worse, the possibilities of a faster finish enticed me. At first I had delusions of a 16 hour finish. When I left Rabbit Valley at 2:30 it dawned on me that a 1.5 hour pace to Loma is what the big dogs put down and let’s face it, I’m of the feline species. Thereafter I imagined a 16:15 which slowly became a 16:30 then an under 17 hour and finally I just figured I would finish eventually and would just have to be ok with whatever that was. Turns out I am pretty happy with a 17:16 time and more importantly I had a great time out there. I looked at my watch quite frequently in those last couple of hours in an effort to go faster but somehow neglected to do so when I finished, stupid. I'm sure it was only a few minutes that had passed by the time I did look at my watch for my 17:16 official finish. I guess I was just so happy to be done I really didn't care at that point what time it was. <br />
<br />
I felt great, happy, well hydrated, and well fueled for most of the race. I don’t know if it is being on a single speed but I just seem to enjoy myself so much more on the bike these days. I definitely had pain, especially in between my shoulder blades and neck and feet; but this time I just was able to handle it better. I believe that two rounds with the CTR have helped and 17 hours or so on the bike compared to 6 plus days really isn’t that bad. It helped me to just stay in the moment and finish the section I was on before I would allow myself to think about the next one. It seemed to go by a lot faster that way. Before I knew it I was riding, well mostly walking, down the Salt Wash, up Troy Built and onto Lyon’s and Mary’s. I rode much more than I thought I would on Lyon’s and Mary’s. Matt and a couple of friends were at the bottom of Mary’s and so was Ringo (my squirrelly cattle dog). Ringo ran the last hill on the road with me before he took off after some poor prairie dog. That finish was so sweet, even though it wasn’t until then that my stomach got sour.Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-47315106711540913302010-10-08T12:15:00.000-07:002010-10-08T12:23:38.801-07:0024 Hours of Moab.....3rd time is a charm???The National 24 Hour Mountain Bike Championships is in Moab again this year and it starts tomorrow. I will be racing in the singlespeed solo category and I'm very excited. The last two times I raced at this venue it did not go as planned. I realize that no race ever goes exactly how you plan but I'm hoping this is my year. I have been juggling school, work, and training but I somehow seem to have managed it all. You can check real-time results here: http://www.grannygear.com/realtime/public/index.php?view_race=grannyg_2010_moab. Wish me luck and speed!Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-84995303389894829872010-09-15T10:27:00.000-07:002010-09-15T10:41:35.732-07:00My Post-CTR MonthI don't know why I have been putting off writing so much. I have spent the last month thinking about what I want to write. As I go for a run with my dog and occasional bike ride, my thoughts race with ideas and creative sentences. Maybe I have been too busy with school and getting organized or maybe I've just been avoiding it. Once in a while I look at my fellow bike riding friends' blogs and an hour later I wonder where the time went. I get this feeling in my stomach after reading that makes me feel like I'm nervous or something. The feeling is envy, envy that I'm now in school and they are out there still riding their bikes, seeking adventure, finding themselves. <br /><br />I miss the CTR! That's the only way I know how to explain it. I crave the trail, the high alpine air, the cold, the rain, the sun and the moon, like I crave chocolate. I miss the trail like an old friend. I feel sad that I haven't seen her in over a month now and my heart aches when I sit down to read the blogs of my friends. I think to myself that I should avoid reading their blogs then I think again. I think about all my wonderful friends that supported me by following my SPOT tracker during the CTR. I wonder sometimes why they did it. I wonder if they had anything better to do. I wonder how they felt watching my SPOT instead of being out there, riding, seeking their own adventures. They didn't decide to turn off their computers because they were envious or had too many other things to do. They watched because they wanted to, because maybe it was their way of being part of my adventure. <br /><br />It is now my turn to watch. Thank you again my friends for inspiring me to be a better person. Thank you for continuing to ride your bikes, seek adventure, and write about it. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-67265197966776317212010-08-17T16:55:00.000-07:002010-09-16T11:28:00.600-07:00Tales From the Trail; CTR 2010NO race ever starts for me without a hitch. CTR 2010 starts at the Indian Creek trailhead. Matt and I camp nearby. I get up to go to the parking lot where I think it starts and panic strikes. No one is there. Where are they? The start is 6:30 not 6:00 right? Did I misread something; did they start without me; did they start somewhere else? I ride down the trail following one tire track. They couldn’t have started already. Maybe there is a parking lot down the trail further. No one. I go back up. Crap! What is going on? I stop a car driving by. <br /><br />“Have you seen a bunch of bikers out here?” <br /><br />“No bikers” he responds. <br /><br />I head up the road in the other direction, I see cars. They are there; the nerves settle. I see Dave Harris; I ask him a couple questions about my GPS, totally last minute stuff. He tells me not to worry; “It will be ok”, he says; gives me a hug and says I’ll do great. I say hi to Ethan Passant. We wish each other well. There is a quick briefing with Stefan and we’re off. Matt is still at the campground; he doesn’t know where we start either and now I have no last goodbye with him….I guess I’ll see him in Durango. <br /><br />My goal the first day is not to blow up, to ride easy, walk the steep stuff and eat and hydrate plenty. On the single speed for the first time I make sure not to ride hills that require too much effort. It is hot and I don’t eat a ton all day. When I get to Bailey I stop to grab some drinks including chocolate milk and hit the road. At Kenosha pass I decide to push through and stop up the trail for dinner. The thunder starts, then the rain then the lightning. Keep going up and over is the plan. Don’t stop, make it to tree line and reassess. I make it to tree line and by then just rain but no lightning. I’m soaking wet and cold: great ingredients for a fast descent. I can’t feel my feet or hands; my neck feels like stabbing knives are going through it. Where will I stop and sleep? Why stop now and just bivy in these cold and wet conditions? Up and over I go. I decide to stop around the North Fork. Earlier I eat mac and cheese and drink coffee. I stop to bivy and am still cold and wet and I don’t want to eat, I feel somewhat nauseous. I hang my food in the tree; get in my bivy cold and wet and try to sleep. Finally when I look at my watch at 3 am I wonder if I have slept at all. I’ve been shivering and awake for 4 hours. I should just get up and go. At 3:30 am I reluctantly climb out still cold and wet, gather everything, put on my wet and cold shoes and leave. A mile or so down the trail it dawns on me that my bag is still in the tree. I go back, I have wasted time. I won’t eat until the sun comes up! This way I can warm up as I eat. I stop at Gold Hill to dry out, eat breakfast and push on. Miner’s Creek hurts; everyone is passing me. How can I move so slowly? I have no energy; I’m nauseous and can’t eat. Descending into Copper I go over my handlebars and land on my hip. I’m ok; luckily I have womanly, cushiony hips. I’m back on my feet but need to fix my bent bar end and my GPS holder is now broken. No more GPS on the bike. It starts to hail and thunder; the trail is tricky and wet and slick. Come on Copper! I eat a warm meal and take a long break. Still a little nauseous but manage to get food down. It is raining, but I can’t wait any longer. I just ride. Up Searle Pass, another long and arduous and slow climb. Why am I so slow? More people pass me or maybe just one. Finally I decide to push on to Leadville, not eating much at all and feeling sicker. If I make it to Leadville I can get a hotel, I promise myself. I don’t know if I can finish this thing. I am going to puke. I know it!, No, I can’t. Don’t do it, I tell myself. Into town and at a hotel by 1 am. IT is taking SO long to get checked in; I need to puke now, please hurry. Finally, I am in bed. No food. Just dry everything out and sleep. Awake at 5:45 A.M., I feel better. I have to keep going. People, friends, family are pulling for me. Plus this is the challenge of the race. I will feel sick, but I’ll also feel good from time to time, and the good times definitely outweigh the bad. Too much time, money and effort have been put into this. I can do it. I just need to eat better, more frequently and smaller amounts, stay on top of it and push through. <br /><br />By Buena Vista (BV) I feel good, slow riding into town due to single speed. Spent a LONG time in BV, too long, but I have food paranoia and need to make it to Silverton with enough food. I Leave by around 6:30 pm. I start my journey towards MT. Princeton Hot Springs. There is snow on the trail. Is that from tonight? I’ve been riding in the rain, but this is snow. What am I going to do at 13,000 feet if there is snow at 10,000? I keep going…head up Chalk Creek through the road closed sign and into the wet cement mud that sucks me in like quick sand. Ugghh, am I going the right way? This is where I screwed up last year I can’t do it again. Why are there only a few tracks through this mud? I go through it 3 times just to make sure; my GPS is off track, I’m unsure. Finally I become sure. I make it up the trail to a dry camp spot. Before I go to bed I discover hot spots on my heels that need duck tape before I start riding again to prevent blisters. I am also miraculously blessed with the pleasure of my period 4 days early! Of course I get it out here, under these conditions! Why wouldn’t I? Come on body, how do I even have blood to bleed at this point? <br /><br />My dry night of sleeping turns into sleeping late as my alarm doesn’t work for my 4:00 A.M. wake-up call so I oversleep until 5:45. The ball of my foot and the entire area around my right big toe is swollen and tender. Is it infected? Will THIS cause me to drop out? An annoying appendage problem? No way will I let this keep me from my dream; I’ll suffer as far as humanly possible before I pull the plug because of my stupid foot. I’m passed in the morning by Sean Allen who is by the way passing me for the second time. He says he is now just touring, taking pictures, taking it easy. He must think I’m the slowest person alive, he is still riding up what I think are steep hills, meanwhile I don’t even try. I finally get to Marshall Pass around 5 P.M. after a long afternoon, I run into Zack, we are both riding more tonight, he goes ahead and tells me a bunch of people are dropping out. They are nervous about segments 21 and 22 and the weather. Should I be nervous? Will I be ok up there? I decide I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have put too much into this to stop. This is mountain bike multi-day racing; this is what it is all about. I have blisters, I have my period, wet gear, clothes, and shoes, maybe not enough food or warm clothes but I know I can do it. The finish is in my head. I know it is tough, this is why I started. I know what to expect, this is why I thought of a thousand reasons why I should quit on my way to Leadville. I know the rewards of finishing this beast, it is why I thought of the 1,001 reasons I should finish after Leadville. <br /><br />The next day I am off making my way towards Hwy 114 and the beginning of the long detour to Spring Creek Pass. This section is hard, a long ways to where the “trail angel” was last year. I wonder if he will be here this year. My knees are screaming out in pain, I can’t ride. How will I get through the detour? It is all road and road I can ride but not with these knees. I hear from some hikers that the trail angel is there. I’m stoked and motivated. I get there and eat raman noodles. The sodium does me well and I ride through the night to Spring Creek Pass. On my way up to Hwy 149 I stop to look around, up in the sky, no lights, no sounds, just me, the stars and the beauty of it all. The shooting stars are going off, I am in the sky, I am riding through the sky tonight, I am so lucky to be out here! Before the pass I stop at a campground, it is around midnight and I think about sleeping there, I’m exhausted. Either way I have a cold descent to bear on Hwy 149 to the pass so I can do it now or wake up at 4 and do it then. I do it now because I figure it will be easier. I am falling asleep on the descent, I can’t keep my eyes open and I think this is dangerous. I look to the side of the road and wonder where I can crash (go to sleep) but I sing, tap my fingers, click my tongue, breathe deeply and anything else I can think of to stay awake. Finally I make it, awake and alive. I find a picnic table and crawl under it to sleep thinking it will shelter me from the wind and cold, it doesn’t. I have yet another cold night waking to the sound of my shivering body and chattering teeth. I get up and get moving. I’ll eat breakfast later, when the sun comes up. <br /> <br />I start the trek towards Coney Summit and get to the stream where I will get water for the last time before segment 22. What is happening, where is the stream? There is no water. I have 4 oz left in my water bottle. I could freak out but luckily the weather is cool, it might even rain and this time I invite such weather figuring I can catch rain water and drink that. I decide I will take my time in order to conserve energy and thus not need as much water. It is just what I have to do, no need to freak out. With 1.5 miles left of this segment I am desperate for water; I now have a dehydration headache. There is a lake off trail below me that I can see. It doesn’t look that far away. I can make it, I will get water there. I hike down, this doesn’t take long. I drink and drink and fill my bladder and bottles. I hike back up to my bike. This takes a lot longer than going down. I keep going, I have water, I am happy. I find a bag, someone’s first aid kit. It has a ziplock of “drugs” in it. I take the bag with me in hopes to return it to the owner. What are these pills? They look good, perhaps some good pain relievers, maybe some caffeine derivative or something, anything to get me through this. I decide against taking anything, in fear of an adverse reaction. My feet are screaming. I hate this chamois, I still have my period and my food options are becoming limited and my tongue is full of canker sores. Eating is no longer pleasurable, just a necessity, just fueling this body to move forward, move towards what seems like the forever-away finish. My throat has hurt for days and my tongue burns. My heels have new hot spots, I itch everywhere, I can’t breathe and I don’t know why I’m here. I think there is a storm rolling in and I’m around 12,000 feet. I think of my mother. She prays diligently, she is praying for me right now, I know it. I think she may be praying that I don’t die; I think this because I feel I could get hit by lightning. Normally I don’t worry about it but a fear overcomes me. In this moment the sun pops out of the clouds for 30 seconds and then disappears. I know I’ll be ok. I am flushed with tears and the love of my mother overwhelms me. She is with me, she is protecting me. This is what my friend Lynda Wallenfells calls a “white moment”. I push on and do segment 22 and am in Silverton for dinner. With only 5 minutes before the store closes I buy as much as I can grab for my final leg to the finish. This consists of 2 snickers, 2 subs, 2 danishes, 1 gatorade, 1 pack of cashews, 1 ice cream snickers, and 1 bag of Doritos. I eat the sub, some Doritos, Gatorade and snickers. I start the climb up to Molas in the dark and before I know it the rain is coming down again. I’m cold if I stop so I keep moving. I lose my smartwool beanie on the way up, I can’t go back to look for it even if it is only a few feet away. Must go forward not backwards! The thought of sleeping under the crapper on the top of the pass is what keeps me going. I never thought I would be so excited to sleep under the roof of a long drop in my life. Luckily it was closed for cleaning so it didn’t smell. I slept warm and dry that night! <br /><br />Up at 4 A.M. and rolling by 5. I am going to finish today or I am going to finish without another night of sleeping out in this cold and wet weather. If I finish before tomorrow that will put me in under 7 days and this is my goal, my dream, my vision. It is decided, I will ride all night and I will finish under 7 days. The mist finally clears and the sun starts to break out. I eat breakfast with the sun’s warmth; this has been my game plan every day. I am grumpy this morning, I’m salty about everything. My skin is crawling and I want to rip it off. There is a hair hanging from my head that is rubbing against my arm and I can’t find it but it irritates me. Where is that hair? My filter isn’t working and neither is my patience. Screw it, I’ll drink straight from this creek, everyone else does. I don’t care if I get giardia; I’ll be home soon enough and I can get antibiotics then. I want to make coffee but, my pot is dirty with rice, the rice that makes me sick to think about. The rice is gross and I hate the smell of it. I can’t eat from this pot when it tastes like this terrible rice. I use my cup to heat the water instead for coffee. I drop my lighter into the coffee. Oh my god, is a cup of jo too much to ask for? Ugghhh, why do I feel this way? I’m so close, I can do this, shape up Cat. I’m salty because I feel slow, feel like I wanted to break the women’s record. Why is there ALWAYS someone faster, why can’t I be the fast one? I’m envious, I’m irritated, I just want it to be over. Ok, pull yourself together Cat. I tell myself that I expected these feelings, that I can just feel them and that is all they are, feelings. I move on, I keep going, I want this finish, I can do it and I will do it under 7 days no matter what it takes.<br /><br />I am surprised by my friend who is out riding (he lives in Rico), I see him several miles before Black Hawk, and he tells me where the other guys are. They are not far ahead. He wishes me well and tells me he wants to see my spot in Junction Creek tonight. “Don’t worry, you will!” As I approach tree line at Indian Trail Ridge the thunder starts. There is no chance in hell that weather is going to keep me from getting over this thing tonight no matter what. I shout out to the storm gods that I won’t have it, I will get up and over this and not get stuck. Thunder and darkness to the right, thunder and darkness to the left, blue sky above me. I win! I make it over and I’m at Kennebec pass before dark. I am tired and am descending the worst I’ve descended the entire race. My skills are off and I keep having close calls. It is getting later and I need to finish, I have to, I won’t sleep out here one more night. I start to push up, I’m climbing again, now I’m just walking. I walk and walk and walk. I can ride this, it isn’t that steep. Get on your bike and ride Cat. I can’t, I’m so tired, I can’t keep my eyes open. I feel sick, like I’m going to throw up. I am out of water and I don’t want to stop and get more. I just want to finish. What if I puke, right here with 15 miles from the finish? Will someone have to come get me; will I have to push the help button on my spot tracker? Oh god, I really think I’m going to vomit. I think I am going to have diarrhea as well. Ok, maybe I can try to go to the bathroom and see if I feel better. I stop for what seems like forever to relieve myself. I feel better and I manage not to puke. I keep pushing. Where am I? Did I make a wrong turn? Can I make a wrong turn up here? I don’t even think there is another trail this high up but where on the trail am I? I have never ridden this in the dark and it’s confusing me. Have I already climbed as high as I’m going to climb? What if I’m lost, how will I find my way out? I will quit, I don’t care even this close, I am just too tired and can’t keep my eyes open. I stop, on the trail, bike on top of me, head resting on my hand, elbow holding me up pushing against the slanted ground along the trail. I close my eyes for 30 seconds, maybe 1 minute. I’m asleep, I wake back up, I get up, I have to finish very soon. How much longer? Why is this so hard this close to the finish? I feel like I will never get there. <br /><br />As I continue forward not sure of where just forward along this dirt path I feel I am not alone on the trail or the trail is not a trail. The trail becomes a person or an entity, I’m not sure which. It is a she. I am talking to her, talking about her, I can’t describe this. It is she, this is all I know, in my head I refer to it as her, and I talk to her and her to me. Is this hallucinating, can I be committed? Would I rather be committed at this point? I think about this and try to make sense of what I’m doing and saying but I can’t. It is just a feeling I have, I am not alone. I was never alone. <br /><br />Before I know it I am descending to the final stretch, it is all a blur, and it is all so surreal. I can’t believe I am going to finish. I can’t believe I am almost at the finish. It is 1:45 am and I am less than 1 mile away. I called it; I knew I would finish at 2:00, so did my sister, and later she told me her and her entire household woke up at 2:30 A.M. and she thought of me, my mom woke up as well, eastern time but “it was a sign” she believes. This last section is sketchy and one wrong turn, you are down the cliff into the creek. There is a tree or a root sticking out, I clip it and go cart wheeling off my bike but it is in slow motion. The fall is soft, I am asleep, I do not feel it because I am about to finish and I am happy, euphoric. I still need to be careful and I really shouldn’t be riding, it is dangerous, I am sleeping. <br /><br />I am at the finish. My dog runs towards me and I screech on my breaks as I almost hit him. Matt takes a picture and I fall to the ground. My dog won’t leave me alone. I stink so bad he wants to roll in me. I am happy Matt is here and he has brought me chocolate milk, fruit, juice, and a rotisserie chicken. I eat and talk and change and 1.5 hours later we leave, find a hotel and sleep. I have finished. <br /><br />The thousand reasons I came up with to quit this race turned into a thousand and one reasons I should not quit this race. This is an example of the mental trip the CTR takes you on. You have to know your mind and your demons. If you can overcome your demons you can finish this race. I would tell myself before each hard section how hard it was going to be. I would try to remember the worst from last year and prepare myself for it. I would tell myself how bad it was going to hurt and how long it was going to take and I would remind myself that it was possible. I would tell myself that it would be painful but that my mind could get me through it because it is after all just a state of mind. When I would get to the sections I thought were the hardest after this mental preparation, they wouldn’t be so bad anymore, they went by quicker, easier, and I enjoyed them rather than loathing them.<br /><br />When I got salty, which was often, about the fact that I wasn’t the top female I tried different approaches to settle my feelings. I tried telling myself everything from the fact that she was a pro (I think) to she was on gears to she has been racing/riding longer to this to that. Finally I decided that it is never about the other person. This is a race within you and it is so much more than a race. I could really get philosophical now and come up with a million clichés about what this journey is, was and will be. The bottom line is having another chica out there, ahead of me, suffering, riding fast, sleeping in the cold, rain, and wind was downright inspiring. Knowing that she was out there made me proud, proud of my gender and that is what helped me over my mental hump. The second thing that helped me was knowing that my many friends and family members were watching my spot move across a computer screen. They more or less knew where I was and I could feel their energy radiating through me. I knew no matter what they would be proud of me, finish or no finish. Matt told me before I started that he was already proud of me no matter what; just proud of me for starting. Somehow having everyone with me on such a level kept me going. Everyone tells me that I am an inspiration to them for doing this, but really you were all my inspiration!Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-783133873326280776.post-53337954101457224242010-08-01T11:42:00.001-07:002010-08-01T11:42:55.001-07:00Experience Your Life“A woman is running from tigers. She runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. She comes to the edge of a cliff. She sees a vine there, so she climbs down and holds on to it. Then she looks down and sees that there are tigers below her as well. At the same time, she notices a little mouse gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries emerging from a nearby clump of grass. She looks up, she looks down, and she looks at the mouse. Then she picks a strawberry, pops it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly.” (Pema Chodron’s book, Comfortable With Uncertainty)<br /><br />I'm off to pick strawberries..................Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02053852478199739912noreply@blogger.com0