Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Stream of consciousness

I’m neither here nor there
great nor terrible
staying nor going
crying nor laughing 
just waiting is all.
Waiting for this bit of news that could change everything.
Has it already changed?
It feels powerless sometimes
someone will know before me.
The pathologist will know
He, she will have my results
after much examination and manipulation  
and whatever else they do
with my tissue, my nodes, my cells.
But they will know, they have my power. 
They will know before I do if it’s good news or bad news.
They will result their results on paper, computer, on the phone. 
They will put those results next to my name, my faceless name. 
I wonder what they’ll think.
Will they feel bad for me if the results are positive
or will they rejoice for me if it’s negative? 
They’re going to know minutes maybe hours before me.
I wait at home trying not to think about something that I can’t help but think about.
It’s impossible.
I’m standing here ready to turn the page
but I can’t
the story’s not written yet. 
It could go two ways
and both ways seem equally impossible and distant to me. 
Maybe limbo’s better.
So here’s my story
here’s my next page.
This is so little,
such a little part of what I, we, you are here to do. 
I accept my fate whatever fate gives me.
I have no power with how it turns out.
My power lies in how I react to what I'm given.
I can live in fear or I can live in light.
Light sounds better,

that’s my next page. 


Kate Lapides said...

wow. Cat. That is powerful and beautiful. And resonates with women around the world. Sending you much strength

Unknown said...

I look forward to hearing your good news. You are so strong in many different ways. I am sending you love and strength now, the strength you gave me when I needed it most. I'm loaning it back to you just for the time being until I need it again. Kiss and hug.

beth said...

Love you!!