This is what I've been up to. Now more than two weeks have gone by since Moab and I still have numbness and loss of sensation in my fingers and I'm still healing. I've been to the Doctor more days in the past 2 weeks than I have in 10 years and I'm still going. I am getting better but still not completely better, still can't ride, still can't run and can barely hike. I can't believe that this happened. It's crazy how sick I got and how fast it happened and how long the recovery road is.
Biking is my therapy, so not being able to do it lately has been tough. I know that rest now means health later. This has been quite the experience, the worst pain of my life. The pain still comes and goes and when going through treatments with my new best friend, my P.A., the pain can get out of hand to the point of tears. It has been a lesson for me though, as I try to see the good in every situation.
Not getting to podium in Moab has been hard to swallow but my health was/is more important and who knows what would have happened if I didn't stop when I did. I realize that maybe it wasn't my time and that my new friend, Kris Cannon needed to get 2nd that day instead of me. She rode strong and hard and was rewarded for her mighty efforts and she got to celebrate that. Of course there was that part of me that felt envy and sadness but once I could let that go and realize the selfishness behind it, I felt better, happier.
I want to thank all my friends who have supported me especially these past couple of weeks. Most understand how difficult it is for someone like me not to be able to do what I love most. My great friend Julie from Big Sky, Montana told me to "embrace the pain" as her pre-race advise. I shared this with Kris Cannon before Moab and we both copied the mantra onto a piece of duck tape and put it on our handlebars. I spoke with Julie about this the other day and she laughed as she most always does. Today I think about that and wonder if her advise can't be used for my post-race blues? Can I embrace the pain I'm feeling now? Not just the physical but the emotional. Maybe she spoke those words knowing that they were important for something else, maybe she didn't. I suppose embracing is accepting and just being, not changing, not judging. So, here I am 2 weeks after Moab, crying less, suffering less, stressing more. As I write I decide not to stress it anymore, worrying is wasteful. I trained this summer with Moab in mind, thinking that it would be my race, the one I was ready for. Well, I was ready, but someone or something had other plans so I have to just be. Sometimes life is out of our control and when we fight it we feel those unwanted feelings. The moral of the story? Simple, don't have expectations, just try your best and see what happens. Lynda Wallenfels quoted someone last year when she got sick right before Worlds (I think that was it). The quote went something like this "God takes things away from us that we care about sometimes to humble us." Perhaps I needed to be humbled. Don't we all?