I'm going to try and post a ridiculous video documenting my first juice ingestion. It's a bit dramatic. I feel pretty self absorbed during all of this, the eating, or in my case the not eating and such. I just read a profound statement that reminded me not to attach myself to any of this; not the illness, the pain, the fasting, the healing, the whatever. I'm not any of this, I'm just me. I have been self absorbed over the past few months and some of my relationships have paid the price. The fact is although being in pain daily is hard, it's not all I have. I am so rich with friends and family and a great husband who loves me unconditionally. I have three therapy dogs who at times drive me up a wall, but at the end of the day make me a better person. I'm reading this book by Ann Lamott and she says "Having a good dog is the closest some of us will ever come to knowing the direct love of a mother." I am lucky enough to be a mother of three and although they are not "good" all the time, they are never not happy to see me.
My next book to read is Anatomy of the Spirit. Caroline Myss talks about why so many of us identify with their trauma or their dis-ease, as if it identifies who they are. I have been definitely mulling this one over even before I read the book description. My work is to find away to have pain but not let it have me. Eating feeds the body, fasting feeds the soul.
Ingrid struck my heart strings yesterday reminding me that we don't need to be fixed, we need to be loved. When you imply that someone needs fixing you're saying they're broken. Nobody wants to feel broken. I am guilty of wanting to fix people including myself. If I've ever made you feel that way I am truly sorry and I promise to no longer do that.
Back to some self absorption time. Today I broke my fast with cucumber juice, 4 glasses, one at 8:30, 12, 3 and 5. Just as I was finishing one they would bring me another. Key to re-feeding is to go SLOW and sip. Stomach not so great today but during fasting all things get wacky including our female cycles; at least it's not a UTI, as I initially thought.
During this whole fast I've been absolutely obsessed with food. I spend a lot of time looking at food, talking about food, talking about things I can make and how with my food limitations I can create these masterpieces of deliciousness. My roommate Kat and I call it food porn. I am obsessed, I LOVE food. I simply cannot wait to go home and start making food. Everything I make for the next
month will be only cooked vegetables but I am ready. I think of how I can cook them: steamed, roasted, baked, dehydrated, mashed, pureed, made into a burger type dish, a casserole, a stir fry without rice. It is remarkable to go without food for so long, the appreciation I have is tremendous. And when I think of those who are starving not by choice I am truly empathetic. I hope this little fast makes me a more generous and caring person.