I dropped below 140 in weight today. I don't think I've weighed this little since High School. As many teenage girls think, I probably thought I was overweight then. I am the first to admit that I've had body image issues most of my life, until now. I want to reach my beautiful sisters of the world and hope you hear me. I miss my curves! I don't think I wear 139 well, physically nor emotionally. At one point not long ago I was excited about getting skinny, knowing I wouldn't stay this way but just to see, catch a glimpse of a long ago me. I can honestly say with much gratitude that I'm just not that into it; skinny is overrated. I look bony and frail. Having my tight jeans fit loosely doesn't mean what I thought it would mean a month or even a week ago. This fast is healing me from the inside out. Sisters, if you want to be thin to be healthy then go for it! If you want to be thin because fake models (who by the way are teenagers who haven't developed yet and smoke cigarettes and drink diet coke so they don't have to eat) inspire you, think again. We must love our bodies and ourselves, they are our gifts, we must honor them and be gracious. Fixating on weight and looks will only draw you deeper into this Pleasure Trap (the model that True North is based on) and if you continue in this cycle your struggles will only deepen. Go within, I beg you. Do not ignore what lies at the center of your soul, it's telling you the truth.
Now that was heavy. I'm all wise now that I've water fasted for 6 days and I think I know it all. I won't start preaching that everyone should water fast to solve all their problems don't worry, although I don't think it's the worst idea. I just know I've let comments hurt me in the past especially as a mountain bike racer. I race against a lot of petite fit girls who easily weight 20-40 pounds less than me. I've had people refer to me as bigger and say things like "if you lose 5 pounds you'll probably be faster on your bike". It's hurtful when someone tells you something about YOUR body in reference to changing it. It's MY body and I can do with it what I want. I also find that competitive athletes fixate on weight so I just happen to be in the crowd where I am more susceptible to that sort of commentary.
We live in a tough society, one that vomits skinny, pretty and young all over us. People are payed BIG bucks on marketing for companies that sell skinny, do not fall into the trap!
Ok, I guess I had something to say about that! Moving on to a totally different subject will go along with my racing thoughts theme for today. Have you ever looked at your tongue? Now I mean really looked at it? It's truly a fascinating little thing. As I was dry brushing my teeth, mouth, tongue, gums and whatever else I could find in there I noticed how spectacular the tongue is. I checked out every inch of it, mostly underneath. It is colorful under there. My veins pop out, there are interesting nodular things and it's movements are extraordinary. Not only all that but what the tongue does and is responsible for is mind blowing. There are what seems like thousands (this is not a scientific fact) of taste buds and receptors on that sucker. Hunger, according to an intern here, does not come from the stomach but rather the tongue. I told him I would let my stomach know. All our food addictions start in the tongue. Should we cut it off?
Today was a rough day and I'm feeling much better. My back still hurts, I'm tired but can't sleep and I'm lightheaded and occasionally dizzy. My head spins at times. Coming of the Lexapro causes a slight vertigo effect, it feels like my brain gets zapped every now and again if I move my eyes just the right way. Getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom is a feet in itself. I did chair yoga class because I didn't have the energy for the oh-so-intense gentle mat Yin yoga. Ha! Chair yoga had its challenges but I made it through without passing out.
I embrace every moment of this even though I sound like a complainer. I will finish the fast, break the fast, eat again and look back with little remembrance of how it was like to feel this hungry. I look at recipes a lot on great Vegan sights and CANNOT wait to try them out. I pray to have this desire when I go home to the eating world. Hunger I think really is like pain, you forget how bad it is when you finish. Just as I've done so many times before with races that I said I'd never do again, I'm sure I will do with this fast. I'll probably be planning my next one before the plane touches Durango and think, next time I'll do 20 days!