Saturday, May 16, 2015

Day 8; Hangry

The definition of hangry is when hungriness causes anger, or so we believe. I'll be submitting it to Webster's next year. There is a buzzing in my body that is difficult to explain but I'll try. Luckily this buzzing experience is more prominent at nighttime as my body gets ready for its' usual bedtime. I feel like I know what a patient of mine felt when she couldn't sleep, she would pace, walk in place, and feel like she was going mad. Did I mention I was a  psychiatric nurse? I can only understand this buzzing to be my body's reaction to the fast on a much more visceral level maybe even spiritual.

After a difficult day of sitting around in the sun, lying in bed, going to a cooking demo (I know I'm a masochist) and doing some gentle yoga, I found myself hangry. I took it out on my husband, of course! I have a rather intrusive roommate that does not respect boundaries. I have boundary issues, letting people give me too much of their baggage. It's a good lesson and experiment for me. As a psychiatric RN I normally have to endure this sort of behavior to a point. As a faster I don't. I've been able to draw the lines here because I have no other choice. If I use one ounce of energy elsewhere I think I literally will collapse. I'm sitting with the stuff that comes out for me here. I don't have to work anything out with her or have a talk, I can just ignore her and not engage and it's ok. Life is a bit more simple when you're starving.

Back to my hanger or what I'm cowardly calling this feeling. I feel like I want to rip my hair out, beat the crap out of my muscles or have someone do it for me, and do a thousand jumping jacks all at once. Instead I did yoga last night, my back pain disappeared, just like that. I didn't do gentle yoga per say. I stretched to a new level with greater flexibility and calmness. I touched my tongue to my nose and then tried to swallow it. I went outside and did laps around the 100 meter courtyard. I did Qigong in front of the shallow fountain. I swung my arms up and down and shook them out. I came back to my room, read and went to sleep. Prior to falling asleep I said a prayer that went like this: Please God help me sleep, please God help me sleep, please God help me sleep. Miraculously I fell asleep around midnight and woke up at 4:30!

I'm sitting with the emotions that are coming up and realizing that fasting involves way more than food or no food. Fasting is deep, and there are layers upon layers to detox from your digestive tract to your heart to your brain. Keep in mind I'm coming off an antidepressant which is poison, no offense, remembering that I'm a psych nurse (read Anatomy of an Epidemic). The fact that my brain is literally buzzing, I mean I sometimes have a buzzing sound and visual affect, tells me this Lexapro isn't such a good deal. I'm thankful to be making the change. My clean and healthy new diet will ensure a happy and healthy brain and knowing that is helping me get through this.

On Monday I break my fast. The re-feed for autoimmune illnesses is a tedious journey. When I say journey I mean 6 months to a year. My re-feed goes something like this: 
                                 Day 1: peeled cucumber juice x 4
                                 Day 2: day 1 plus ONE steamed veg of my choice on the "safe" list
                                 Day 3: day 1 and day 2 (as long as I had no reaction) plus another steamed veg
                                 Day 4: day 1,2,3 plus another veg, again as long as no reaction.

Are you getting the picture? If I have a reaction I eliminate that food and go back to my safe list which by day two may only be cucumbers if day two's veg flares me up.  I can gradually introduce my second food group of raw vegetables and continue as above. Beans come after, then nuts and seeds, followed by fruits. They recommend holding off on fruits for 2 months since RA patients react to fruits, probably the sugar. In 4 months I can add some grains, rice, steel cut oats, Quinoa. Some choose not to add grains.....flare ups! Eventually after my gut heals I can try to reintroduce food again if I initially had a reaction to them. I have lots of foods to avoid, like the nightshade family, until all symptoms clear completely without recurrence. 

At this point any food sounds fabulous so I CANNOT wait for cucumber juice and steamed zucchini. I will heal, I am confident of that. My roommate with RA is not doing too well, she is in a lot of pain. Most likely this is because of all the medications she has tried prior to coming. All that junk lives in your body, in your tissues. True, I do not want to ruin my joints but I know medicine for RA is not the answer. One of the most successful medications for treating RA, I cannot take because I had Melanoma and it can cause melanoma. I consider this a blessing in disguise. Why would I want to take a medication, regardless if I had melanoma or not, that causes cancer? If I had the energy I would elaborate on the medication, diet, etc. I don't have the steam to defend this at the moment, go to Dr. if interested. 

Here is what I know. In my heart lies truth and health and grace. Have I mastered these yet? Have any of us? It may take a lifetime to do so and if that is my path, I will follow. I have been hiding from faith, from God from my friends who don't believe in God. I have not been walking my true path out of shame, embarrassment, wanting to fit it. I love all my friends, agnostic, atheist, Christian and Buddhist alike. I do not judge your faith or path. Why have I been assuming you would judge mine? I am still me, just getting to know another part of me and I kind of like her. 

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