Sunday, May 17, 2015

Day 9: Fear

Courage is what lies on the other side of fear. We earn the honor if we walk through what we fear. I'm finding that the hardest thing about this walk through is what my brain has wrongfully told me it was all about. One of my favorite quotes that I read to my patients is off of a Yogi's FB page, "If you want something you've never had, you'll have to do something you've never done." Fear shows itself in different shapes and sizes. There is fear of losing, even fear of winning, fear of failure and success, fear of relationships, commitment, getting hurt, getting sick, fear of pain, fear of being seen or not seen, fear of others and fear of yourself. This is a short list. Fear is when you talk yourself out of doing something (this can be a good thing, say in cases of survival).

Although I think we all deal with fear on a daily basis, I think there have been only a few times in my life that I have been truly afraid, like afraid for my life afraid. I want to write about this since it's coming up for me here and writing is about truth in hopes that I may be able to help someone else. I met someone once that wasn't a good person. I am a trusting person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I trusted him and he took advantage of that to cause me harm. I was travelling in Senegal at the time and I was alone. I didn't make great choices leading up to the event and yet I accept no fault. I was in a locked room with him as he threatened me, hit my face, my left cheek to be specific, and called me horrible names. Needless to say fear overcame me AND saved me. My survival instincts kicked in and without too many details (I'll be saving those for my memoirs) I found a way out. Prior to escaping I said out loud Please God Help Me! He told me I had no God. It wasn't until I called God into the room that things shifted. Maybe it was timing, a mere coincidence, I don't care, I found safety.

Following my escape (I love the dramatics of that word!), I found many angels, or they found me. It was one after the other and the details would exceed the purpose of this blog. The point is I walked through the scariest experience of my life and came out of it, however not unscathed. It changed my life in many ways, and all the ways are good because life isn't perfect. I embrace it all because I know in my heart it leads me to where I need to go and where I'm meant to go. This RA has led me here to True North, to do a water fast for my painful and swollen joints, yet as I suspected the healing is just beginning and it's been more of a spiritual journey.

Writing about what comes up for me here helps me release all the layers of emotional toxins I've been storing. As I let all these toxins out, I heal. When my friend hit me, my stomach turned to mush, it burned and ached. Looking back now I see the connection. RA and Leaky Gut Syndrome are linked (I'll be doing a test after I'm home). It's a long story so Google it if you're interested and read what Dr. Klaper writes and has researched. We store our emotions in our body, our tissues, muscles, intestines and other organs. I have had anxiety, some depression on and off, and low self confidence for a lot of my adult life. I attribute all these things to unresolved trauma. And trauma does not have to mean getting hit, or stabbed or shot, it can mean whatever trauma means to you as an individual.

One more day of fasting and I feel excited and emotional. Food has been the culprit to inflammation and pain in my life as of late. It is hard to think the pain may come back, it is exhausting. I have fear around this. Please tell me how to walk through that fear. How do I embrace THIS pain? I have a lot to learn and this is just the beginning of my journey.

weight 136.6
Vital signs, specifically pulse "beautiful" (she said I could keep fasting based on my pulse, i said no chance)
Orthostatic Hypotension persists, totally normal because I'm not eating
Horizontal time is the best time, promotes healing, if only it didn't cause restlessness



Unknown said...

Life is full of obstacles of which we never rid but, we learn to get up and move around them. We learn that its not weathering the storm that makes us strong...its how we persevere in the aftermath that makes us great. Thank you for your greatness, Cat!

Miriel said...

I can't wait to read your next posts! I'm so excited for you. You are amazing Cat and such an inspiration to those around you! Thank you!